All The Names That Brought Us Here

I'm hoping
I'm waiting
I'm praying you are the one.

Heart-wrenching

I can't stop listening to the Forrest Gump soundtrack. I want it to be the soundtrack of my own life. No joke. It's so beautiful. Especially this one part...it just touches my heart so, so much.

Something I've been thinking about is that God always knows better than me, and sometimes it's hard to accept that fact. But I'm learning to let it go, and just go with flow. Things and people pop out of nowhere and impact me drastically. It's weird. But awesome. I've just gotta keep strumming my guitar and singing my heart out, learning from the people around me. I think that'll do the trick.

And, yesterday was wonderful. I finally confided something to my mother that I should've told her a very long time ago, but I refrained for various reasons. It feels good getting things off your chest. You don't have to bear the burden yourself anymore.

I love my mother. And my family, and my friends. Thank you all.

Stephanie

Sweet Dreams

How do you know if it's a sweet dream
or a beautiful nightmare?
I would've gone with you to the end.
But I don't understand.

Stephanie.

Eyes Meet, Electricity

Is it weird when people do this nowadays--lock eyes with each other while they speak? I don't know about everyone else, but I realized that I don't do that a whole lot. I tend to want to look around, because it feels awkward when you lock eyes with someone. Like you're looking into their soul or something. And the people I speak to usually do the same, when I think to notice anyways.

Except...I caught myself actually doing it today, and it didn't feel awkward. It felt right. And it made me think. Maybe I should lock eyes more often. Maybe it leaves you with a different kind of connection, something you've never felt before.

sincerely,
Stephanie

The Beginning

I wish I could've documented what I prayed last night. It was weird...I didn't know what to say until I was saying it, but when I heard the words they sounded right. Hm. But it worked...as I talked to God I sorted through the things that were bothering me and came out of it feeling better. :)

So, it's the last day of summer. What an amazing, memorable summer. I won't ever forget it, but I look forward to the new experiences this school year will bring.

stephanie

Candles

Smell really good. So do flowers. Everyone should slow down, take a minute to smell something like roses or candles. That'd make the world a lot better, I think. A moment's hesitation, a moment of contentment.

love,
stephanie

P.S. I should exercise more.

P.S.S. I really wish my husband would hurry up already and show his face! oh, patience.

What I Should've Said Before

I haven't blogged in a while. I realized a while back how similar all of my posts were that it made blogging feel like some stupid way for me to keep going through the same struggles, the same questioning, the same everything without learning or changing or anything. So I stepped back, tried to focus on my real life more, rather than what to write about in my next blog post.

I'm finding myself sinking into my old habit of completing things in a timely manner, and gaining enjoyment from learning. It's a beautiful thing. I lost much of this spark somehow last year. Pre-senioritis perhaps. I got to be such a flake though. Things like facebook and a boy took control of my life. This summer is different though. This summer has been about changing, and learning, and living, for once. I met so many amazing new people. I got to know some better, and fell away a little bit with some I haven't spoken to in a while. I want to change that.

For a couple days, I was really scared. I suddenly felt...unwanted, even by my friends, people I thought enjoyed my company. I have no idea why this happened. But for the first time I really stopped and wondered whether people like me, or whether I'm something bothersome. I'm still not entirely convinced. But the day after this questioning, I spontaneously went to my cousin's house in Temecula and hung out with him for three days, making music and having fun. Such perfect timing, because all of a sudden someone totally, legitimately wanted to hang out with me. So that quelched my worry. Thank you, God, for those few days :) And today was wonderful too, hanging with my girlfriends. I love them. I think they love me. Nah, I know they do.

I have another fear though--fear that I cannot and will not be patient enough to keep my mouth shut and not ruin something very important to me. Love is a complicated issue, yet a simple realization when it is right. Too much of me wants to experience it now, rather than later. But it's not my time yet. So I need patience. Pray for me.

The Curse of the Bracelet

Sounds like the title of a book. But it's not. It's a real life story! =O

No, seriously. I have this bracelet with really pretty beads, shaded olive green and this beautiful shade of pink and other colors, and a little star charm in the middle, that my grandma gave me for Christmas last year. I love it so much, and as soon as I got it I wanted to wear it everyday. But then, whenever I'd wear it, the day would not turn out that great. Back then I liked a boy, and I wore this bracelet a couple times on a day I was supposed to see him, and then he wouldn't turn up. Stuff like that sounds stupid I'm sure...but after a while I really felt like the bracelet was unlucky. And I've worn it very, very rarely since then.

Today, I decided I didn't care if it made my day unlucky, I'd wear it anyways. So I did. And I went out. And for a while it seemed like things would not go well. But I'm a strong girl, so I took a deep breath and prepared to go on with my life and just get through today, it wouldn't matter in the long run anyways.

And so I was incredibly surprised when things suddenly changed for the better. So surprised I didn't know how to meet these new circumstances. I didn't feel ready. But I evolved, did what I had to, and had quite a good day because of it.

I think I broke the curse. I think it wasn't ever really a curse--I just made it into one to find some reason why the day didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. But this day turned out alright. Finally.

I'll wear it again next time to make sure.

Wanting school??

I've been becoming increasingly bored of facebook and my laptop & room in general. I go to my Biology book for an escape...weird, huh? But I miss school. The people mainly, but also the teaching and learning.

I'm over my old classes, for sure, but I can't wait to learn about Psychology and Biology and politics. And I can't wait to practice filmmaking in digital media for an entire year, and make a CD for my senior project, and help direct the fall play. I don't think I was this excited last year...But there's something different about this one. It's my last fairly predictable year...and that makes it unpredictable. I have decisions to make and things left to learn that could impact my life beyond high school. Wow. I'm so nervous. But so excited.

I want school.

Love,
Stephanie

P.S. I need to watch the news more. I realized yesterday how out-of-the-loop I am with the rest of the world.