What I Should've Said Before

I haven't blogged in a while. I realized a while back how similar all of my posts were that it made blogging feel like some stupid way for me to keep going through the same struggles, the same questioning, the same everything without learning or changing or anything. So I stepped back, tried to focus on my real life more, rather than what to write about in my next blog post.

I'm finding myself sinking into my old habit of completing things in a timely manner, and gaining enjoyment from learning. It's a beautiful thing. I lost much of this spark somehow last year. Pre-senioritis perhaps. I got to be such a flake though. Things like facebook and a boy took control of my life. This summer is different though. This summer has been about changing, and learning, and living, for once. I met so many amazing new people. I got to know some better, and fell away a little bit with some I haven't spoken to in a while. I want to change that.

For a couple days, I was really scared. I suddenly felt...unwanted, even by my friends, people I thought enjoyed my company. I have no idea why this happened. But for the first time I really stopped and wondered whether people like me, or whether I'm something bothersome. I'm still not entirely convinced. But the day after this questioning, I spontaneously went to my cousin's house in Temecula and hung out with him for three days, making music and having fun. Such perfect timing, because all of a sudden someone totally, legitimately wanted to hang out with me. So that quelched my worry. Thank you, God, for those few days :) And today was wonderful too, hanging with my girlfriends. I love them. I think they love me. Nah, I know they do.

I have another fear though--fear that I cannot and will not be patient enough to keep my mouth shut and not ruin something very important to me. Love is a complicated issue, yet a simple realization when it is right. Too much of me wants to experience it now, rather than later. But it's not my time yet. So I need patience. Pray for me.