Sloww Recovery

Things are finally starting to look a little bit better. This is the first day I noticed a (albeit, minimal) reduction in the swelling that makes me somewhat resemble Mrs. Piggy...blergh. But it is starting to go down finally, thank goodness! I'm starting to glimpse what the end result will be, and I have no doubt I'll be so, so happy. Already, I actually have a NORMAL bite, which turns out to be extremely cool, although I haven't been able to use it yet. And I'm not gonna have to avoid the right side of my face anymore in pictures, once the swelling goes down of course :) That will be happiness.

The annoyances remain strong, however. It's ironic that I have had a milkshake almost every day for the past 5 days, because that's one of the few things I CAN eat, and I'd quickly trade said luxury for one of the meals my family has had for dinner. I miss pasta and vegetables and just being able to chew things. My mother has whipped up some incredibly yummy soups for me--this morning I had one that tasted JUST like baked potato (including sour cream), followed by clam chowder. But even something that tastes delicious just isn't as great as the real thing, because there's nothing chunky...ya know, I can't chew the potato. Sigh. I'm really, really hoping I'll be able to switch to the "soft" diet after my next appointment (I'd be able to actually eat pasta, oh myyy goodness!), but too much wishful thinking will probably get me into trouble...

Either way, today is the 9th day following my surgery--that means, about 3 weeks until I can definitely start to sort of chew things again! I cannot wait.

A Little Bit Longer

It's been a long time since I've written on here. I took to tumblr more than blogger, which is strange, because there are far fewer people who can read what I write on the other site. Maybe I subconsciously don't like people knowing what's in my head? I know that's at least a little true.

I'm starting to figure out just how much music means to me. Songs are my blogs. My ability to make sense of what I'm thinking and put it out there for people to hear. I plan to work on putting them out a whole lot more, after my surgery.

One more week...I can't begin to explain how much I want next Friday to be here.

You see, I've never said this straight out to anyone, really, but I'm incredibly self-conscious about the way my face looks, as a result of my deformed jaw. I know that nobody else notices it. You could tell me that a million times (some people have), and it wouldn't change how I feel. You see, just because you don't know what something is doesn't mean you don't see it. People see me all the time. They're used to how my face looks. They just don't realize that it's not supposed to look exactly the way it does right now. Somewhere along the way, my jawbone on my right side decided to take a break from growing. And I notice at all. the. time. And they're finally going to fix it. I feel like leaping in a field of flowers, I get so happy when I think about it.

Because, I hate feeling self-conscious about things. Utterly and completely hate it. I like feeling confident, like nothing can touch me unless I let it.

Washed Away

Grief for those we have lost is the hardest thing we face in this life. That attempt to come to terms with life & death, to discover that the grey curtain of this world will roll back. Life is a finite thing. And we think of all the good times, and the bad ones, and maybe just the lack of time. How much you wanted to learn everything there is to know about the person you’ve lost. How much you loved them. Maybe how little you knew them.

There’s a balance that is missing, that first day when you learn you’ve lost a friend, a loved one, a stranger. But it needs to develop. Not just an understanding that death is real, but an attempt to manifest yourself in a new being and strive for a more fulfilling life, in honor of what you’ve lost. A pursuit of happiness.

Because those who do leave us don’t want to see us cry. They are smiling down on us, and pushing us toward the perfection and happiness they had also desired during life. They want us to smile, too.

When you leave this world, your shadow remains, etched in silver and the colors of the rainbow. And that, my friends, is what each of us should desire to leave. We should strive to make our mark on the planet. Leave your name etched in the sand.

When you’re washed away, it will remain.

Ursus

Today was a quiet day. A tired day. Alone, with only myself, it seemed, some of the time. But there was no sadness. Only a wish for sleep.

College, I cannot bear to be without you much longer. UCLA, please accept me. I want you so badly. Bruins are Ursus arctos, after all. I still have a picture from ages ago that I drew of a fantasyland in my head, Ursus. And the blanket on my bed is covered with brown bears.

Coincidental? I think not.

Maybe it's meant-to-be. <3

Boom Box

I want a boombox with batteries instead of a power chord that I can carry around for a day and constantly play music for the world. Happy music. I think that'd be a nice undertone for the day. Actually, I'd blast it.

You should be wilder; you're no fun at all.

Cocoon

It would be easier to do a lot of things. To stay inside staring out at the rain streaming down your window. To wait for dinner. To watch the flowers grow through a screen door. To walk into the screen door when you try to go outside, because it keeps you in. To hide from your enemies. To be safe, and quiet, inside a bubble, wary of the slightest touch.

But the right way is not always the easy one.

Sometimes Bombs Fall Quietly

I think I'm supposed to be righteous and practical, for once.

Still, I don't know what to do.

When did this even happen? Did I really set this in motion?

Maybe being spontaneous did help, for once. And maybe it didn't.

There's too many questions & too many reasons not to try.

Why

The resentment is starting. I’m not sure how to kill it. With water, fire, or something entirely different?

I was so peaceful for a while, by the snow in Julian. Surrounded by beauty. I loved it. No cell phone going off. No one yelling at each other. No one pestering me. Nothing to make me sad or anxious.

But now I’m home again. And this is here, in my mind. I don’t want to be here. At least I can just play music loudly in my ears. Maybe that will make me feel better.

Really…why. Why does it always come down to this? Why?

----

"Slow down you crazy child, take the phone off the hook and disappear for a little while. It’s alright, you can afford to lose a day or two. When will you realize? Vienna waits for you."

new blog

For anyone who's interested, the blog I actually update nowadays can be found at stephanieheart.tumblr.com . Check it out if ya like! :)

1.2.10

SUCCESS: hiking Iron Mountain & having epic awkward conversations with friends. Side-note: I have now realized how incredibly naive I’ve been for such a long time.

UPDATE: My neck still hurts. And I have this weird rash too, that appeared around the same time my neck started hoping…correlation or causation? It’s seriously freaking me out. And it’s so painful. I feel like someone’s zapping my neck every 20 seconds.

UPDATE: New plan. I like this one much better, because it doesn’t involve me sitting around waiting.