Camp

Yesterday, I returned home after one of the best weeks of my life. There, I found Jesus Christ, amazing friends, love, knowledge, and oh so many hugs. I will never forget that week. I cannot wait until winter camp and then next summer, when I will hopefully be a staff member.

I feel like just going through the days and describing every bit of it, but that would take more than one blog post, so I'll try to pick out the best parts.

First, God. I came back to Him. It really helped being around other kids who want to love God just as much as I do, not to mention the immense amount of information I learned during that week. Church truly means something now. We had two services twice a day, and now I wish it could be like that every single day. I got used to it, and even more than, I started to understand it. We learned about how to treat other people, and what things like hugs and smiles can do for other people.

Second, the friends. Becca, Juliette, Veronica, Samara, Nisreen, Lynsey, Dory, Tameem, Ben, Leo, Daniel, Nick, Michael, Joseph, Alice, and so many others. I got so close with Becca & the other girls especially. And I got SO many hugs from people. The group 4 girls and the 3-4 boys had a hugline most nights, and we'd hug other times too, and everyone really loved each other and said it without embarrassment. Not to mention they're all crazy fun, awesome people in general. Juliette still cracks me up.

Third, the experiences. I got to do archery! It was so epic. And the dance was so much fun, and Serenade Night, and the Gong Show, and jamming with Juliette in the quad, and EVERYTHING was amazing.

I joined a family for that week, and I will never forget any of them. I love God so much. I'm going to wear my cross and icon bracelet everyday, from now on.

Perfection & Challenges

There's this song I've been trying to write for a year, no joke. I must've written the lyrics to it at least ten times, probably many more. But every single time, I grow dissatisfied with it, and usually end up deleting the entire thing from the word document. The only reason I can find for this is the fact that the subject matter seems too overused, and so I cannot be satisfied with it until I find the exact words, exact chords, and exact rhythm to fit my own unique perspective on it. I'm trying it again, but I'm stuck on the notes for the verse and bridge. I can't rush it, can't ruin it. Gotta force myself to be a perfectionist.

Admittedly, I hate taking my time. I like sitting down and finishing something fast, without pause. Because if I pause, it loses some of its magic, some of its potential. But I realize that sometimes I have to slow down. Sometimes the magic has to develop.

On a completely different note, I just got back from Yosemite yesterday. I had forgotten how refreshing it is to be outdoors and away from computers and the worries of everyday life. I love it, so much that I'm likely going to a church camp next week, partly cause it'll get me outdoors.

I wanna go backpacking someday, and thankfully my mother seems up for the challenge. We'll climb Half Dome next time :) I also decided that I have to marry someone who likes the outdoors too, and who would go camping and hiking and backpacking with me. Maybe it's too much to ask...but honestly, I couldn't marry someone who wouldn't do that <_<

My sister kept saying there's no point in climbing Half Dome, asking why anyone would be stupid enough to hike for 12 hours. But it's a challenge, and I like challenges. It's just standing there, why not climb it?

Oh, and anyone who happens to be reading this, I cannot stress how much you should watch A Very Potter Musical on youtube. Even if you don't like Harry Potter, it is pure brilliance. Seriously. I cannot describe it in words.

Husband

Ever since I talked to my friend Sunday, I've been aimlessly thinking about my future husband some of the time. Not a lot, mind you. I don't wish to focus on my future as much as I usually do, because there's no day but today :) Of course, I did spend several hours researching college stuff the other day and wishing I could graduate already...but oh well. Enough of that.

I wanna talk about what I was starting to think about at those aimless moments. I never got very far beyond the fact that I think I really want to wait to date until I know it's my husband--a very difficult feat, for sure, since I am only sixteen and three quarters and marriage seems terribly far away.

Now I ask myself...why wait? Why not just go ahead and date someone if the chance comes along, and take it from there to see whether we're meant to be together or not? And that seems logical, in the old meaning of the term "date." Just getting to know the other person by going out to dinner, movies, what have you. Obviously I'll have to know a guy very well to see whether we'll really last or not. Nowadays, dating has evolved into a broader term that covers everything from that first date at the movies to holding hands, kissing, and sleeping together. But I don't wanna go that far. I don't even want to kiss a boy until I know him well enough to know whether it's right or not. Most everyone looks down on that choice nowadays, but I don't care. I know there's something extraordinary and perfect about having your first kiss with your husband.

Maybe I'm not completely committing myself to this, though...part of me says "wait and see, don't jump on board this boat until the opportunity is in front of you to actually date someone." Because honestly, there is no possibility right now of dating. Nothing. Natha. I do like a boy, but I will not let him find out. And he definitely doesn't like me back right now. I wonder sometimes if I annoy him...heh...but then I wonder that with everyone...so I wanna back off a little, anyhow. Oh well. That's fine with me. I can wait. I hope. No, I know. I'm Stephanie. And God wants me to do this, so I have no doubt that I can, so long as I agree to it fully and completely.

Solve the Jumble

I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I feel all jumbled up--a side effect of the crazyy perspective stuff throughout the movie, I'm sure. But I get jumbled up a lot anyways.

Here I pause and take a deep breath. I'm not sure...about a lot of things related to my life. I know I don't wanna re-live the past. And I know I wanna be happy, free, adventurous, and on from there. I can make myself seem patient if I want to or have to, but I'm really not. I want everything right now, right this second. I don't wanna waste anymore time without it.

But... it's not a waste. Even all of the so-called wasted time I've spent this week watching movie after movie isn't really a waste, because they made me think. (I do need to get out of the house more though, or at least away from my computer screen.) There's no such thing as wasted time unless you hate what you're doing. And if you hate what you're doing, stop right now and move somewhere else. Do something you want to do. Do something that makes you happy, something worthwhile for you.

So there. I haven't wasted any time. All of my jumbled-up thoughts were there for a reason. I always end up where I'm supposed to be.

I'm glad.

Summer '09

I feel like getting my summer assignment out of the way haha, so I can just have FREEDOM and an amazing summer of epicness.

Mann I'm excited. ;)

Farewell to it All

I read through all of my old blogs today. I need to remember, learn, and then say goodbye to it all. This is what I learned.

Be honest with yourself.
Don't regret.
Stars & Jesus & friends make everything better.
Keep them close.
It's ok to be sad.
Don't forget.
Take a chance.
Don't focus your life on the impossible, though.
Keep secrets.
Don't wait until it's too late.

"You want to find someone who won't blame you, won't tell you you're crazy. Someone who will just listen and try to understand, even if he doesn't really. Someone who will trust you and let you have your moment of silence when you're struggling for words--something to say that will finally get them to realize exactly what you mean when you speak. Because then you won't feel alone anymore. Someone will be able to understand and love you unconditionally."

live, laugh, love <3

Goodbye, almost lover.
Past, just let me be.

You changed me without even trying. I know who I am now. Thank you for that.

Someday You Will Be Loved; DCFC

I had not heard this song in a very, very long time. I used to not wanna listen to it because it made me kinda mad, it was like taunting me.

But ya know what's even worse? Now I see its truth.

Now I can't stand it even more.

Even though it's a good song...


I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

Senior Year

Today is pretty much the last day of school for my senior friends. Well there's still Monday, but right now it's Friday, and it's hit me that I am really going to be a senior next year. 12th grade. Almost to college. In the Iliad there's a list of names and colleges, showing who's going where. Next year I'll be on that list.

It's so, so crazy. High school really is going by fast. When you're in the moment stressing about some test or assignment, you don't think about the broader picture and where you are in the scheme of things. But we are far. Almost there. Four more days and we're seniors.

I am so excited.

Someday

my name will mean something.

Music is an Art

I just realized I haven't written a blog in like a week and a half...that's a long time for me, lol.

I was thinking, literally five seconds ago, about subjects for songs. For much of my songwriting career so far, I constantly wrote about the same emotions, the same people, the same places. Well quite a lot, anyways. And I know why--for that period of time, music was one of the only things I could use to let out my emotions...but they didn't seem to change very much o_O Well I get that too...I always felt kinda insignificant, rejected, misunderstood, the whole deal. So it makes sense that I would write a lot of the same things...

But anyhow. Obviously, a lot of those songs aren't the kind I would want to actually share with the world. Not to mention my style has greatly changed since I started, so that now I look back on oldies and don't like how they sound. Or I never even put them to music so I'm just over them, haha.

Now that I'm in this new stage, I really wanna branch out and write about new things. I wanna stay true to myself and write things that relate to me somehow, or someone I know, but I also wanna totally and completely move away from those stock lyrics I repeated over and over again, with different phrasing. I've already experimented a little. I like what I'm getting.

And I realize that writing a song is an art. An incredibly beautiful portrait can't be painted in 10 minutes. You have to find the right holding on the brush, try out different strokes, search for the right colors, and figure out how to arrange them to precisely fit the image in your mind. Sometimes you can't even imagine the final project.

So, I can't rush. And I don't need to rush. Slow and steady is the way to go. Don't be discouraged, just do it if you love it.

Downtown

I wanna be famous.

I know it's a cliche thing to want. Probably a selfish one. But I want it.

Earlier, my friend & I went filming for my music video downtown. I took out my guitar on the sidewalk in front of Hard Rock Cafe and sang along to a CD player. The lyrics of my sang rang out. Passerbys waiting at a nearby crosswalk looked my way curiously. A lot of people looked at me. But it didn't phase me--I kept playing, kept singing, kept looking at the camera, acting annoyed and whatnot, like I was supposed to. It was an entirely new experience. I've sang in front of a crowd before, but it was different than today. It's different when you have to stay in your own zone, you have to ignore everyone. But it's so, so awesome to know that they're there.

I felt famous too, walking down the street with a guitar on my back, a pretty dress on, boots, and sunglasses. People stared but I didn't care. I liked it.

Someday, I want those people to see me walking on the streets Downtown and stop to stare because they recognize me. Not just another person in the crowd.

Glimpses of Stardust

On Broadway, the lights go off. Thousands of bright, golden beams originating from tall lampposts flicker and die. It's nighttime. The edge of the day, where one section of earth breaks and cracks and splits apart but remains partially attached to the next. It's a never-ending cycle. But each crack separates a hundred decisions, memories, pieces of daylight and moonlight.

It's nighttime. At the top of a large mound of earth, I sit on the cool, hard, rocky surface, arms wrapped around my knees, head tilted toward the sky. Above me, moon and starlight hover.

I close my eyes and breath out. Faint, cool wind flows around me like waves. I open them again and carefully lean back, stretching my arms out. I lie on my back on the surface of my fantasy and stare at the dark night above me. I see stardust.

Smiling, I remember the only thing that could make this night better. Someone like him lying next to me.

A thousand bright, golden lights flicker above me in the sky while I wait.

Castles in the Sky

!!! I'm kind of annoyed with myself. I just can't believe it now...looking back...I wish I could take all that time back. To think that God had someone like this boy--not necessarily him, but someone--there waiting for me all along. He wanted me to let go so bad. But I just didn't get it...I couldn't get it through my head...

Not to say it was all worthless. Nothing's ever truly worthless. I learned a lot. I wrote songs. The majority I realize are very stupid now though, haha. But I did learn. I suppose God still found a way to make it worthwhile and fit with His plan, even if he didn't really want me there in the first place.

And I know that I should not and cannot regret anything. That would only waste more time.

Everything is better now, thank goodness. I am so amazed by how fantastic my life is at the moment. I have so, so many things to look forward to. And this boy...he amazes me too. I don't know if that will go anywhere. But I spent a long time today just hanging out with him, and it was fun. Just even hearing him say my name makes me smile and feel so happy inside, haha. But all I really want right now is to be myself and never be afraid of being myself ever again. Right now, everything is perfect. I have no complaints, really. Cause AP exams and school don't truly matter. None of it matters.

God is perfect. And I am so thankful He finally helped me step back and let go. I don't think I've ever been happier. I feel like I'm floating on clouds or living in some castle in the sky. It's surreal. Beautiful.

Don't Worry

I just realized what it is. I woke up. And when I woke up, something totally switched inside of me, and now I just don't worry anymore. Ok no, I worry about chem and a million other things like that...but I don't worry about being myself. Who cares if I laugh too much? There's no such thing. And a million other things. I just don't care anymore.

And that's why life suddenly seems so good. :)

Of course, it will be so much better after Tuesday. My death day... Maybe. I hope not. I won't worry.

And I am so so so so so x 50 excited for next Thursday, btw. Like seriously :D

And I am so ready to actually talk to him.

Stephanie

Operation

My past is affecting me more than I thought, making me more afraid than I should be. Or will it save me?

All I can say is...

Commence operation.

stephanie