Eyes Meet, Electricity

Is it weird when people do this nowadays--lock eyes with each other while they speak? I don't know about everyone else, but I realized that I don't do that a whole lot. I tend to want to look around, because it feels awkward when you lock eyes with someone. Like you're looking into their soul or something. And the people I speak to usually do the same, when I think to notice anyways.

Except...I caught myself actually doing it today, and it didn't feel awkward. It felt right. And it made me think. Maybe I should lock eyes more often. Maybe it leaves you with a different kind of connection, something you've never felt before.

sincerely,
Stephanie

The Beginning

I wish I could've documented what I prayed last night. It was weird...I didn't know what to say until I was saying it, but when I heard the words they sounded right. Hm. But it worked...as I talked to God I sorted through the things that were bothering me and came out of it feeling better. :)

So, it's the last day of summer. What an amazing, memorable summer. I won't ever forget it, but I look forward to the new experiences this school year will bring.

stephanie

Candles

Smell really good. So do flowers. Everyone should slow down, take a minute to smell something like roses or candles. That'd make the world a lot better, I think. A moment's hesitation, a moment of contentment.

love,
stephanie

P.S. I should exercise more.

P.S.S. I really wish my husband would hurry up already and show his face! oh, patience.

What I Should've Said Before

I haven't blogged in a while. I realized a while back how similar all of my posts were that it made blogging feel like some stupid way for me to keep going through the same struggles, the same questioning, the same everything without learning or changing or anything. So I stepped back, tried to focus on my real life more, rather than what to write about in my next blog post.

I'm finding myself sinking into my old habit of completing things in a timely manner, and gaining enjoyment from learning. It's a beautiful thing. I lost much of this spark somehow last year. Pre-senioritis perhaps. I got to be such a flake though. Things like facebook and a boy took control of my life. This summer is different though. This summer has been about changing, and learning, and living, for once. I met so many amazing new people. I got to know some better, and fell away a little bit with some I haven't spoken to in a while. I want to change that.

For a couple days, I was really scared. I suddenly felt...unwanted, even by my friends, people I thought enjoyed my company. I have no idea why this happened. But for the first time I really stopped and wondered whether people like me, or whether I'm something bothersome. I'm still not entirely convinced. But the day after this questioning, I spontaneously went to my cousin's house in Temecula and hung out with him for three days, making music and having fun. Such perfect timing, because all of a sudden someone totally, legitimately wanted to hang out with me. So that quelched my worry. Thank you, God, for those few days :) And today was wonderful too, hanging with my girlfriends. I love them. I think they love me. Nah, I know they do.

I have another fear though--fear that I cannot and will not be patient enough to keep my mouth shut and not ruin something very important to me. Love is a complicated issue, yet a simple realization when it is right. Too much of me wants to experience it now, rather than later. But it's not my time yet. So I need patience. Pray for me.

The Curse of the Bracelet

Sounds like the title of a book. But it's not. It's a real life story! =O

No, seriously. I have this bracelet with really pretty beads, shaded olive green and this beautiful shade of pink and other colors, and a little star charm in the middle, that my grandma gave me for Christmas last year. I love it so much, and as soon as I got it I wanted to wear it everyday. But then, whenever I'd wear it, the day would not turn out that great. Back then I liked a boy, and I wore this bracelet a couple times on a day I was supposed to see him, and then he wouldn't turn up. Stuff like that sounds stupid I'm sure...but after a while I really felt like the bracelet was unlucky. And I've worn it very, very rarely since then.

Today, I decided I didn't care if it made my day unlucky, I'd wear it anyways. So I did. And I went out. And for a while it seemed like things would not go well. But I'm a strong girl, so I took a deep breath and prepared to go on with my life and just get through today, it wouldn't matter in the long run anyways.

And so I was incredibly surprised when things suddenly changed for the better. So surprised I didn't know how to meet these new circumstances. I didn't feel ready. But I evolved, did what I had to, and had quite a good day because of it.

I think I broke the curse. I think it wasn't ever really a curse--I just made it into one to find some reason why the day didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. But this day turned out alright. Finally.

I'll wear it again next time to make sure.

Wanting school??

I've been becoming increasingly bored of facebook and my laptop & room in general. I go to my Biology book for an escape...weird, huh? But I miss school. The people mainly, but also the teaching and learning.

I'm over my old classes, for sure, but I can't wait to learn about Psychology and Biology and politics. And I can't wait to practice filmmaking in digital media for an entire year, and make a CD for my senior project, and help direct the fall play. I don't think I was this excited last year...But there's something different about this one. It's my last fairly predictable year...and that makes it unpredictable. I have decisions to make and things left to learn that could impact my life beyond high school. Wow. I'm so nervous. But so excited.

I want school.

Love,
Stephanie

P.S. I need to watch the news more. I realized yesterday how out-of-the-loop I am with the rest of the world.

Camp

Yesterday, I returned home after one of the best weeks of my life. There, I found Jesus Christ, amazing friends, love, knowledge, and oh so many hugs. I will never forget that week. I cannot wait until winter camp and then next summer, when I will hopefully be a staff member.

I feel like just going through the days and describing every bit of it, but that would take more than one blog post, so I'll try to pick out the best parts.

First, God. I came back to Him. It really helped being around other kids who want to love God just as much as I do, not to mention the immense amount of information I learned during that week. Church truly means something now. We had two services twice a day, and now I wish it could be like that every single day. I got used to it, and even more than, I started to understand it. We learned about how to treat other people, and what things like hugs and smiles can do for other people.

Second, the friends. Becca, Juliette, Veronica, Samara, Nisreen, Lynsey, Dory, Tameem, Ben, Leo, Daniel, Nick, Michael, Joseph, Alice, and so many others. I got so close with Becca & the other girls especially. And I got SO many hugs from people. The group 4 girls and the 3-4 boys had a hugline most nights, and we'd hug other times too, and everyone really loved each other and said it without embarrassment. Not to mention they're all crazy fun, awesome people in general. Juliette still cracks me up.

Third, the experiences. I got to do archery! It was so epic. And the dance was so much fun, and Serenade Night, and the Gong Show, and jamming with Juliette in the quad, and EVERYTHING was amazing.

I joined a family for that week, and I will never forget any of them. I love God so much. I'm going to wear my cross and icon bracelet everyday, from now on.

Perfection & Challenges

There's this song I've been trying to write for a year, no joke. I must've written the lyrics to it at least ten times, probably many more. But every single time, I grow dissatisfied with it, and usually end up deleting the entire thing from the word document. The only reason I can find for this is the fact that the subject matter seems too overused, and so I cannot be satisfied with it until I find the exact words, exact chords, and exact rhythm to fit my own unique perspective on it. I'm trying it again, but I'm stuck on the notes for the verse and bridge. I can't rush it, can't ruin it. Gotta force myself to be a perfectionist.

Admittedly, I hate taking my time. I like sitting down and finishing something fast, without pause. Because if I pause, it loses some of its magic, some of its potential. But I realize that sometimes I have to slow down. Sometimes the magic has to develop.

On a completely different note, I just got back from Yosemite yesterday. I had forgotten how refreshing it is to be outdoors and away from computers and the worries of everyday life. I love it, so much that I'm likely going to a church camp next week, partly cause it'll get me outdoors.

I wanna go backpacking someday, and thankfully my mother seems up for the challenge. We'll climb Half Dome next time :) I also decided that I have to marry someone who likes the outdoors too, and who would go camping and hiking and backpacking with me. Maybe it's too much to ask...but honestly, I couldn't marry someone who wouldn't do that <_<

My sister kept saying there's no point in climbing Half Dome, asking why anyone would be stupid enough to hike for 12 hours. But it's a challenge, and I like challenges. It's just standing there, why not climb it?

Oh, and anyone who happens to be reading this, I cannot stress how much you should watch A Very Potter Musical on youtube. Even if you don't like Harry Potter, it is pure brilliance. Seriously. I cannot describe it in words.

Husband

Ever since I talked to my friend Sunday, I've been aimlessly thinking about my future husband some of the time. Not a lot, mind you. I don't wish to focus on my future as much as I usually do, because there's no day but today :) Of course, I did spend several hours researching college stuff the other day and wishing I could graduate already...but oh well. Enough of that.

I wanna talk about what I was starting to think about at those aimless moments. I never got very far beyond the fact that I think I really want to wait to date until I know it's my husband--a very difficult feat, for sure, since I am only sixteen and three quarters and marriage seems terribly far away.

Now I ask myself...why wait? Why not just go ahead and date someone if the chance comes along, and take it from there to see whether we're meant to be together or not? And that seems logical, in the old meaning of the term "date." Just getting to know the other person by going out to dinner, movies, what have you. Obviously I'll have to know a guy very well to see whether we'll really last or not. Nowadays, dating has evolved into a broader term that covers everything from that first date at the movies to holding hands, kissing, and sleeping together. But I don't wanna go that far. I don't even want to kiss a boy until I know him well enough to know whether it's right or not. Most everyone looks down on that choice nowadays, but I don't care. I know there's something extraordinary and perfect about having your first kiss with your husband.

Maybe I'm not completely committing myself to this, though...part of me says "wait and see, don't jump on board this boat until the opportunity is in front of you to actually date someone." Because honestly, there is no possibility right now of dating. Nothing. Natha. I do like a boy, but I will not let him find out. And he definitely doesn't like me back right now. I wonder sometimes if I annoy him...heh...but then I wonder that with everyone...so I wanna back off a little, anyhow. Oh well. That's fine with me. I can wait. I hope. No, I know. I'm Stephanie. And God wants me to do this, so I have no doubt that I can, so long as I agree to it fully and completely.

Solve the Jumble

I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I feel all jumbled up--a side effect of the crazyy perspective stuff throughout the movie, I'm sure. But I get jumbled up a lot anyways.

Here I pause and take a deep breath. I'm not sure...about a lot of things related to my life. I know I don't wanna re-live the past. And I know I wanna be happy, free, adventurous, and on from there. I can make myself seem patient if I want to or have to, but I'm really not. I want everything right now, right this second. I don't wanna waste anymore time without it.

But... it's not a waste. Even all of the so-called wasted time I've spent this week watching movie after movie isn't really a waste, because they made me think. (I do need to get out of the house more though, or at least away from my computer screen.) There's no such thing as wasted time unless you hate what you're doing. And if you hate what you're doing, stop right now and move somewhere else. Do something you want to do. Do something that makes you happy, something worthwhile for you.

So there. I haven't wasted any time. All of my jumbled-up thoughts were there for a reason. I always end up where I'm supposed to be.

I'm glad.

Summer '09

I feel like getting my summer assignment out of the way haha, so I can just have FREEDOM and an amazing summer of epicness.

Mann I'm excited. ;)

Farewell to it All

I read through all of my old blogs today. I need to remember, learn, and then say goodbye to it all. This is what I learned.

Be honest with yourself.
Don't regret.
Stars & Jesus & friends make everything better.
Keep them close.
It's ok to be sad.
Don't forget.
Take a chance.
Don't focus your life on the impossible, though.
Keep secrets.
Don't wait until it's too late.

"You want to find someone who won't blame you, won't tell you you're crazy. Someone who will just listen and try to understand, even if he doesn't really. Someone who will trust you and let you have your moment of silence when you're struggling for words--something to say that will finally get them to realize exactly what you mean when you speak. Because then you won't feel alone anymore. Someone will be able to understand and love you unconditionally."

live, laugh, love <3

Goodbye, almost lover.
Past, just let me be.

You changed me without even trying. I know who I am now. Thank you for that.

Someday You Will Be Loved; DCFC

I had not heard this song in a very, very long time. I used to not wanna listen to it because it made me kinda mad, it was like taunting me.

But ya know what's even worse? Now I see its truth.

Now I can't stand it even more.

Even though it's a good song...


I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

Senior Year

Today is pretty much the last day of school for my senior friends. Well there's still Monday, but right now it's Friday, and it's hit me that I am really going to be a senior next year. 12th grade. Almost to college. In the Iliad there's a list of names and colleges, showing who's going where. Next year I'll be on that list.

It's so, so crazy. High school really is going by fast. When you're in the moment stressing about some test or assignment, you don't think about the broader picture and where you are in the scheme of things. But we are far. Almost there. Four more days and we're seniors.

I am so excited.

Someday

my name will mean something.