Neglected

Forever, I have been neglected. The middle child. I'm not rebellious enough or time-consuming enough to capture the attention.

I know they didn't intend for it to be this way. And I'm not mad at them.

WHAT is wrong with my older sister? I want my parents to just get over her and realize she's not worth it. That would make everything better. Because right now she is the center of attention, and she. is. not. worth it.

Remember our World

Maybe I post song lyrics a lot. But when I write a song, it means something to me. A whole lot of something.

I tried to write this one for years. Finally I got the words right last night. It's amazing how a song can sometimes take such a long time and then come out so fast.

---

I'm sorry it's over
The headline said forever
Thought I had the best of the better
Turns out you ripped up my letter

Everything is easier said than done
So I'll keep what I've won
Go ahead, let your life unfurl
Just remember our world
Remember our world
Remember that girl

She disappeared, and I swear
Don't know how it happened
Nothing but a chain reaction
Could've undone our satisfaction

Everything is easier said than done
So I'll keep what I've won
Go ahead, let your life unfurl
Just remember our world
Remember our world
Remember that girl

You said this love
Is the best you've had
Now I don't know you
And it's just to bad
I shoulda known this wouldn't work

Cause everything is easier said than done
So I'll keep what I've won
Go ahead, let your life unfurl
Just remember our world
Remember our world
Remember our world
Please remember
Remember that girl

Just a Fool

Fabulous dreams play in the sky
But you don't know what's in my mind
There's a stop sign and a crosslight
Holds you back
I don't know how to say the facts
It's your call this time

And I'm nothing but a fool
But I need you to see right through
You cross a line, look in my eye
Believe me boy, you blow my mind
There's still so much more to me
To me

Been defending all my life
When I read between the lines
Something holds me back every time
There's a window to my soul
I can't love you anymore
Unless you break down the walls
So nothing can stop our song

And I'm nothing but a fool
But I need you to see right through
You cross a line, look in my eye
Believe me boy, you blow my mind
There's still so much more to me
To me

You can send me boxes filled with pearls
But that won't do the trick
You can search around the world
But you'll open up your heart if you want this girl

And I'm no one, just a fool
But I need you to see right through
You cross a line, look in my eye
Believe me boy, you blow my mind
There's still so much more to me
To me

And I'm no one, just a fool
But fool's got something inside too
You cross a line, look in my eye
Believe me boy, you blow my mind
There's still so much more to me
To me

Just a fool, just a fool

And I'm no one, just a fool
But a fool can't help loving you

All The Names That Brought Us Here

I'm hoping
I'm waiting
I'm praying you are the one.

Heart-wrenching

I can't stop listening to the Forrest Gump soundtrack. I want it to be the soundtrack of my own life. No joke. It's so beautiful. Especially this one part...it just touches my heart so, so much.

Something I've been thinking about is that God always knows better than me, and sometimes it's hard to accept that fact. But I'm learning to let it go, and just go with flow. Things and people pop out of nowhere and impact me drastically. It's weird. But awesome. I've just gotta keep strumming my guitar and singing my heart out, learning from the people around me. I think that'll do the trick.

And, yesterday was wonderful. I finally confided something to my mother that I should've told her a very long time ago, but I refrained for various reasons. It feels good getting things off your chest. You don't have to bear the burden yourself anymore.

I love my mother. And my family, and my friends. Thank you all.

Stephanie

Sweet Dreams

How do you know if it's a sweet dream
or a beautiful nightmare?
I would've gone with you to the end.
But I don't understand.

Stephanie.

Eyes Meet, Electricity

Is it weird when people do this nowadays--lock eyes with each other while they speak? I don't know about everyone else, but I realized that I don't do that a whole lot. I tend to want to look around, because it feels awkward when you lock eyes with someone. Like you're looking into their soul or something. And the people I speak to usually do the same, when I think to notice anyways.

Except...I caught myself actually doing it today, and it didn't feel awkward. It felt right. And it made me think. Maybe I should lock eyes more often. Maybe it leaves you with a different kind of connection, something you've never felt before.

sincerely,
Stephanie

The Beginning

I wish I could've documented what I prayed last night. It was weird...I didn't know what to say until I was saying it, but when I heard the words they sounded right. Hm. But it worked...as I talked to God I sorted through the things that were bothering me and came out of it feeling better. :)

So, it's the last day of summer. What an amazing, memorable summer. I won't ever forget it, but I look forward to the new experiences this school year will bring.

stephanie

Candles

Smell really good. So do flowers. Everyone should slow down, take a minute to smell something like roses or candles. That'd make the world a lot better, I think. A moment's hesitation, a moment of contentment.

love,
stephanie

P.S. I should exercise more.

P.S.S. I really wish my husband would hurry up already and show his face! oh, patience.

What I Should've Said Before

I haven't blogged in a while. I realized a while back how similar all of my posts were that it made blogging feel like some stupid way for me to keep going through the same struggles, the same questioning, the same everything without learning or changing or anything. So I stepped back, tried to focus on my real life more, rather than what to write about in my next blog post.

I'm finding myself sinking into my old habit of completing things in a timely manner, and gaining enjoyment from learning. It's a beautiful thing. I lost much of this spark somehow last year. Pre-senioritis perhaps. I got to be such a flake though. Things like facebook and a boy took control of my life. This summer is different though. This summer has been about changing, and learning, and living, for once. I met so many amazing new people. I got to know some better, and fell away a little bit with some I haven't spoken to in a while. I want to change that.

For a couple days, I was really scared. I suddenly felt...unwanted, even by my friends, people I thought enjoyed my company. I have no idea why this happened. But for the first time I really stopped and wondered whether people like me, or whether I'm something bothersome. I'm still not entirely convinced. But the day after this questioning, I spontaneously went to my cousin's house in Temecula and hung out with him for three days, making music and having fun. Such perfect timing, because all of a sudden someone totally, legitimately wanted to hang out with me. So that quelched my worry. Thank you, God, for those few days :) And today was wonderful too, hanging with my girlfriends. I love them. I think they love me. Nah, I know they do.

I have another fear though--fear that I cannot and will not be patient enough to keep my mouth shut and not ruin something very important to me. Love is a complicated issue, yet a simple realization when it is right. Too much of me wants to experience it now, rather than later. But it's not my time yet. So I need patience. Pray for me.

The Curse of the Bracelet

Sounds like the title of a book. But it's not. It's a real life story! =O

No, seriously. I have this bracelet with really pretty beads, shaded olive green and this beautiful shade of pink and other colors, and a little star charm in the middle, that my grandma gave me for Christmas last year. I love it so much, and as soon as I got it I wanted to wear it everyday. But then, whenever I'd wear it, the day would not turn out that great. Back then I liked a boy, and I wore this bracelet a couple times on a day I was supposed to see him, and then he wouldn't turn up. Stuff like that sounds stupid I'm sure...but after a while I really felt like the bracelet was unlucky. And I've worn it very, very rarely since then.

Today, I decided I didn't care if it made my day unlucky, I'd wear it anyways. So I did. And I went out. And for a while it seemed like things would not go well. But I'm a strong girl, so I took a deep breath and prepared to go on with my life and just get through today, it wouldn't matter in the long run anyways.

And so I was incredibly surprised when things suddenly changed for the better. So surprised I didn't know how to meet these new circumstances. I didn't feel ready. But I evolved, did what I had to, and had quite a good day because of it.

I think I broke the curse. I think it wasn't ever really a curse--I just made it into one to find some reason why the day didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. But this day turned out alright. Finally.

I'll wear it again next time to make sure.

Wanting school??

I've been becoming increasingly bored of facebook and my laptop & room in general. I go to my Biology book for an escape...weird, huh? But I miss school. The people mainly, but also the teaching and learning.

I'm over my old classes, for sure, but I can't wait to learn about Psychology and Biology and politics. And I can't wait to practice filmmaking in digital media for an entire year, and make a CD for my senior project, and help direct the fall play. I don't think I was this excited last year...But there's something different about this one. It's my last fairly predictable year...and that makes it unpredictable. I have decisions to make and things left to learn that could impact my life beyond high school. Wow. I'm so nervous. But so excited.

I want school.

Love,
Stephanie

P.S. I need to watch the news more. I realized yesterday how out-of-the-loop I am with the rest of the world.

Camp

Yesterday, I returned home after one of the best weeks of my life. There, I found Jesus Christ, amazing friends, love, knowledge, and oh so many hugs. I will never forget that week. I cannot wait until winter camp and then next summer, when I will hopefully be a staff member.

I feel like just going through the days and describing every bit of it, but that would take more than one blog post, so I'll try to pick out the best parts.

First, God. I came back to Him. It really helped being around other kids who want to love God just as much as I do, not to mention the immense amount of information I learned during that week. Church truly means something now. We had two services twice a day, and now I wish it could be like that every single day. I got used to it, and even more than, I started to understand it. We learned about how to treat other people, and what things like hugs and smiles can do for other people.

Second, the friends. Becca, Juliette, Veronica, Samara, Nisreen, Lynsey, Dory, Tameem, Ben, Leo, Daniel, Nick, Michael, Joseph, Alice, and so many others. I got so close with Becca & the other girls especially. And I got SO many hugs from people. The group 4 girls and the 3-4 boys had a hugline most nights, and we'd hug other times too, and everyone really loved each other and said it without embarrassment. Not to mention they're all crazy fun, awesome people in general. Juliette still cracks me up.

Third, the experiences. I got to do archery! It was so epic. And the dance was so much fun, and Serenade Night, and the Gong Show, and jamming with Juliette in the quad, and EVERYTHING was amazing.

I joined a family for that week, and I will never forget any of them. I love God so much. I'm going to wear my cross and icon bracelet everyday, from now on.

Perfection & Challenges

There's this song I've been trying to write for a year, no joke. I must've written the lyrics to it at least ten times, probably many more. But every single time, I grow dissatisfied with it, and usually end up deleting the entire thing from the word document. The only reason I can find for this is the fact that the subject matter seems too overused, and so I cannot be satisfied with it until I find the exact words, exact chords, and exact rhythm to fit my own unique perspective on it. I'm trying it again, but I'm stuck on the notes for the verse and bridge. I can't rush it, can't ruin it. Gotta force myself to be a perfectionist.

Admittedly, I hate taking my time. I like sitting down and finishing something fast, without pause. Because if I pause, it loses some of its magic, some of its potential. But I realize that sometimes I have to slow down. Sometimes the magic has to develop.

On a completely different note, I just got back from Yosemite yesterday. I had forgotten how refreshing it is to be outdoors and away from computers and the worries of everyday life. I love it, so much that I'm likely going to a church camp next week, partly cause it'll get me outdoors.

I wanna go backpacking someday, and thankfully my mother seems up for the challenge. We'll climb Half Dome next time :) I also decided that I have to marry someone who likes the outdoors too, and who would go camping and hiking and backpacking with me. Maybe it's too much to ask...but honestly, I couldn't marry someone who wouldn't do that <_<

My sister kept saying there's no point in climbing Half Dome, asking why anyone would be stupid enough to hike for 12 hours. But it's a challenge, and I like challenges. It's just standing there, why not climb it?

Oh, and anyone who happens to be reading this, I cannot stress how much you should watch A Very Potter Musical on youtube. Even if you don't like Harry Potter, it is pure brilliance. Seriously. I cannot describe it in words.

Husband

Ever since I talked to my friend Sunday, I've been aimlessly thinking about my future husband some of the time. Not a lot, mind you. I don't wish to focus on my future as much as I usually do, because there's no day but today :) Of course, I did spend several hours researching college stuff the other day and wishing I could graduate already...but oh well. Enough of that.

I wanna talk about what I was starting to think about at those aimless moments. I never got very far beyond the fact that I think I really want to wait to date until I know it's my husband--a very difficult feat, for sure, since I am only sixteen and three quarters and marriage seems terribly far away.

Now I ask myself...why wait? Why not just go ahead and date someone if the chance comes along, and take it from there to see whether we're meant to be together or not? And that seems logical, in the old meaning of the term "date." Just getting to know the other person by going out to dinner, movies, what have you. Obviously I'll have to know a guy very well to see whether we'll really last or not. Nowadays, dating has evolved into a broader term that covers everything from that first date at the movies to holding hands, kissing, and sleeping together. But I don't wanna go that far. I don't even want to kiss a boy until I know him well enough to know whether it's right or not. Most everyone looks down on that choice nowadays, but I don't care. I know there's something extraordinary and perfect about having your first kiss with your husband.

Maybe I'm not completely committing myself to this, though...part of me says "wait and see, don't jump on board this boat until the opportunity is in front of you to actually date someone." Because honestly, there is no possibility right now of dating. Nothing. Natha. I do like a boy, but I will not let him find out. And he definitely doesn't like me back right now. I wonder sometimes if I annoy him...heh...but then I wonder that with everyone...so I wanna back off a little, anyhow. Oh well. That's fine with me. I can wait. I hope. No, I know. I'm Stephanie. And God wants me to do this, so I have no doubt that I can, so long as I agree to it fully and completely.