I want a boombox with batteries instead of a power chord that I can carry around for a day and constantly play music for the world. Happy music. I think that'd be a nice undertone for the day. Actually, I'd blast it.
It would be easier to do a lot of things. To stay inside staring out at the rain streaming down your window. To wait for dinner. To watch the flowers grow through a screen door. To walk into the screen door when you try to go outside, because it keeps you in. To hide from your enemies. To be safe, and quiet, inside a bubble, wary of the slightest touch.
I think I'm supposed to be righteous and practical, for once.
I was so peaceful for a while, by the snow in Julian. Surrounded by beauty. I loved it. No cell phone going off. No one yelling at each other. No one pestering me. Nothing to make me sad or anxious.
But now I’m home again. And this is here, in my mind. I don’t want to be here. At least I can just play music loudly in my ears. Maybe that will make me feel better.
Really…why. Why does it always come down to this? Why?
----For anyone who's interested, the blog I actually update nowadays can be found at stephanieheart.tumblr.com . Check it out if ya like! :)
UPDATE: My neck still hurts. And I have this weird rash too, that appeared around the same time my neck started hoping…correlation or causation? It’s seriously freaking me out. And it’s so painful. I feel like someone’s zapping my neck every 20 seconds.
UPDATE: New plan. I like this one much better, because it doesn’t involve me sitting around waiting.
It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of you. Go ahead and have the time of your life. That’s all that really matters, in the end. Living a life that you loved. And loving the One who let you have it, and kept holding your hand through every single moment, happy or sad. Because He’s always there for you, even if you forget it. He’s got your back.
So, don’t you ever—EVER—let anyone or anything bring you down. Just keep smiling. Just keep living, breathing, and moving. Everything will work itself out, if you give it time. Time can mend just about anything. It can break people apart, but it can also bring them closer together.
You have an amazing life before you. But it’s already in your hand. So live it. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.
This is all making me thinking very hard about my life, and how precious it really is. These days are jewels -- so beautiful. We always forget.
I didn't know Veronica. I've never spoken to her before. But I've seen her around. And this whole experience is making me remember when I lost my grandpa, and all those years ago when I lost my friend. I can't remember things clearly; I was too young. But there was a friend I was very close with, and she had leukemia. And she passed away. What if she hadn't--would I still know her?
What scares me the most is that things like this happen every single day. People have a little too much to drink, maybe, but the majority of the time they're in the other car or on the sidewalk. Just going about their lives. And like a firefly flashing off, they're gone.
God, help me to be ready for that, whenever it's meant to happen. Help me live my life for you, and live it well. Help me to not be afraid of anything, because it's always holding me back.
May you rest in peace, Veronica. Jesus loves you. And so do we. Even those of us who only ever saw you in the hallway.
I think simplicity would be nice. Not worrying about what to say to people or what they think of you. Not caring when you mess up on something you once found very important. Because, really, how can we possibly decipher what is truly important in the world? One day you just wanna pass a test or hear a voice, and the next the past is the past. Not a big deal.
Let's all stop making a big deal of everything. Just be.
I need an escape. I need to get out of this place for a while and stretch my legs. But I'm stuck here. Until then, thank God for writing and reading and all that other artsy stuff I love so much. When I write, I don't feel stuck in this world anymore. I feel free.
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The door closed softly in Claire’s delicate fingertips. Her heels stepped forward in darkness; head tilted upward, visible only in the shadow of moonlight through her open window. Hand gripped the cord of the ceiling lamp lightly; pulled. Darkness moments before; now vague light.
Her eyes moved to stare at the glass panes before her; they lay one on top of the other, revealing a four inch crack of air from outside. It was a clear night. She watched her reflection in the glass. Her hand slid off the bronze lamp chord as she lowered her gaze. She didn’t like it when people stared.
Sandy had stared. And…well, she didn’t mind him. Her mother would assume him to be a crazy pauper who wanted to take advantage of a rich girl like herself (Claire rolled her eyes). He had listened to her, though. And no one ever listened. Except for Jane. And now she was across the Atlantic.
At least the letter was sent, finally. Claire smiled to herself as she removed her heels and put her bare feet back on the wooden floor — covered with splinters no doubt. The letter was her only form of communication with her dear friend. And it would take…five, six days to arrive in England? She counted them off on her fingers, then shrugged. It would take long enough.
The air felt so cool and refreshing coming in through the open window, it drew her to it. She leaned her head through the opening and set her chin on her elbow, smiling dreamily at the moon above her. It looked like a fingernail. She could barely see the stars, which were supposedly everywhere else. There were too many lights nearby.
She silently vowed to see them properly someday, far away from city lights and her exasperating mother. Then she would be happy.
Last night I was lying in bed, trying to sleep. I could hear my parents fighting in the kitchen. And all of a sudden, quite inexplicably, I found myself sobbing. Crying into my pillow, praying to God for them to stop. I wanted to sleep. I was crying out of utter and complete anger against my sister and her stupidity. I'm so sick of all that I have to endure in my household, and how I feel like there's no one who can help me, who will really listen. I don't even know what I'd say if they would.
I was begging for God to help me feel wanted and not alone. I didn't get a solid answer. But after awhile of tears and sorrow, I felt a little peaceful. I smiled. There can be no reward without a struggle, no victory without a fight.
Only, I'm a forgetful person.
a new month. a new start.
but this time around, I'm not going to change. I know who I am and I've figured out how to live :) Thank you, God. You overwhelm me with your grace. And that full moon tonight? It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Thank you for it. Thank you for today. I'm young and alive, with a whole world ahead of me. Thank you.
This morning I heard exactly what I needed to hear. I was on the verge of tears, it was so perfect. A voice reminded me about patience and Jesus, and how He's got a plan. All of our plans will fail. Only His will accomplish its goal.
God knows what I need. He's the only one -- I have no idea how to solve any of my problems. So...it's okay to be scared to death. It's okay to be confused. I just have to have patience. Which is the hardest thing in the world. But it's okay. I can do it.
I CAN DO IT. He's gonna help me win. Oh my goodness, someday I'm gonna win. It just takes time. I just have to be patient. Patience, patience, patience.
You want so bad to fall
You wanna risk it all
But right now it's not your call
I'm being reminded how boring facebook really is. The fad has passed. It's only good nowadays if you're actually having conversations with people. But it's so impersonal. I hate it. I wish the world were way different, and there were zero social networking sites. I wish people would at least call each other, instead of texting. All we do instead is pressing buttons on a number pad or keyboard. And a simple message can so easily become twisted.
I don't get why the world hasn't grown more intelligent yet. People like me are stuck conforming because a way of life only works in a society if more than one person is willing to change. Come on. Get over your laziness. Wouldn't you rather have an excuse to see people more often? Or at least hear a voice?
sincerely,
stephanie
