Can't Run on Autopilot Forever

I can't live the rest of my life so guarded.

Soooo. K I'm an idiot. I press the repeat button willingly. It's dialed into my brain somehow. Autopilot. Hard to break. But I will learn.

A snapshot of myself: happy, carefree, dreamy, floating on air, optimistic, loving everything, wondering, seeking adventure, a little quiet because of it, eager for the future & what God has in store for me, cuz I know it'll be beautiful when I get there, etc.

A different snapshot: questioning everything, reaching crazy conclusions, overreacting, sick of it all, nothing's good, blah I hate it, listen to me sit here in self-pity, etc.

I sit on this really delicate thread between those two. It's kinda scary, once I break out of the second one...cuz I think I can't stop it, can't do anything, I'll get back into the same mode at one time or another. Probably soon, rather than later.

Sure, everyone gets cynical sometimes. I'm just sick of it happening SO OFTEN. I think it's better to stay totally realistic--thinking the worse--rather than stay soaked in optimism and hopefulness. But it's not worth it. Maybe NONE of it is worth it...but losing happiness & sleep over any of it is just stupid and pointless.

Patterns are hard to break. Stitched into your being, very difficult to remove.

But I will learn.

~Stephanie