finding yourself

I keep listening to this song over and over. "What Sarah Said," by Death Cab for Cutie. I don't know why i love it so much....I guess just the way the piano and drums and vocals blend together and the lyrics themselves touch me somehow...music is cool like that. It makes you sad, happy, and so many things in between...content, hopeful, angry. Music = emotion.

Maybe music could help create a person, too...I've been frustrated lately, because I feel like I act differently everywhere I go. Part of me always stays the same, but sometimes it's as if I'm hiding part of me...sometimes it feels like I'm trying too hard, too. How do you know which part of you is the real you? The complete you? Maybe it's when you're at home in your bedroom alone, just lying on your bed or on the ground, thinking whatever comes to mind. Maybe it's when you're with your best friend and you're having an awesome time hanging out. Maybe it's when you're with your family...but I'm less inclined to believe the latter, namely because I sometimes feel secluded from my family. It's my own fault because I've built up a kind of barrier around myself, but however it's happened, I don't feel like myself around them, really...Or maybe that is me. The person with the mask, keeping everything inside and showing nothing, saying nothing above the necessity.

I just don't now how to tell which one's me. Am I a combination of all of those things--quiet, observant, thoughtful, but also imaginative, adventurous, determined, optimistic, and outgoing, when it counts. That does sound like me. Utterly complex, so that I can't even understand myself at times. So then, how do I show the entire me to other people? I guess being comfortable is the biggest thing...if you don't trust the person you're with or don't know them as well as you should, then it's harder. That's likely it....

So now I've gotta do that somehow. It won't happen overnight, but I need to find my comfort. And then just be myself...show them everything. I can't be afraid of embarrassing myself or messing up...I'll just be myself. And if the others can't handle me, they don't deserve to know me, right? They aren't worth it.

Even though my feet are trembling

And every word I say comes stumbling

I will bare it all

Watch me unfold...

The answer to all of my worries is always so...simply stated, when it comes down to it. Yet it's always so hard to follow through and keep it up. It's just part of being human though. So all we can do is take what we get and do the best we can with it. That's all we can ask for--something to hold onto, something to lead us somewhere up ahead. We can't really question it.

.stephanie.