I'm really cold right now for some reason. But it's like...the shivering kind of cold. And the kind of shivering that's partly from actually being cold, and partly from being afraid of something. Nervous. Unsure. Confused. Wanting to trust, but not being able to. Not truly and completely...
Why is it always so hard for me to say my thoughts immediately, right when I think them? I always have to think about it first and like...weigh the consequences of me saying them aloud. At least when I'm online. In person it's different. But when you're sitting at a computer, everything you type you're able to actually think about. So it's like...I can't type something without thinking about it first. But I think sometimes I need to just say it--whatever comes into my head, right when it arrives. Not let it sit there, not let MYSELF sit there, nervously considering what to do. I can't be afraid...
God, I despise fear. Half the time I think I'm strong and I know I'm strong, but I think a lot of the time I push aside fear and confusion--let it melt into the backdrop of my mind. Then I'm happy. When I don't think, when I don't worry, everything seems like it'll be okay. Not just yet, but soon. I've been waiting so long...it can't all really be for nothing, can it? I've been right some of the time...I've gotta be right again soon....gotta...
Imagination doesn't help though. Imagining situations where my dreams do come true...cause then when I get back to reality, I keep part of my imagination with me, and it seems like it'll really happen...but I know I'm just fooling myself. I don't wanna get my hopes anymore. But God, how I wish I wouldn't have to or need to get my hopes up for no reason....
ahhhhhh. >_>
seriously, why am I cold? or why am I nervous? ugh. faith is way hard. And I know I should have faith--I mean I've noticed a bunch of times when I was so worried about something and it worked out okay. It always works out okay. But I still can't seem to keep my faith for some reason....and I don't really know how to keep it. Cause everytime I try, it slips away some how...Try harder some would say. But what if you're already trying as hard as you possibly can? Try, try, try. I'm trying. I'm trying. Even if they don't believe me. I don't wanna tell everyone everything...it's my nature to keep a lot of it to myself. But I'm still trying, for a million different things. Trust me.
Is trying not enough?
stephanie
Why is it always so hard for me to say my thoughts immediately, right when I think them? I always have to think about it first and like...weigh the consequences of me saying them aloud. At least when I'm online. In person it's different. But when you're sitting at a computer, everything you type you're able to actually think about. So it's like...I can't type something without thinking about it first. But I think sometimes I need to just say it--whatever comes into my head, right when it arrives. Not let it sit there, not let MYSELF sit there, nervously considering what to do. I can't be afraid...
God, I despise fear. Half the time I think I'm strong and I know I'm strong, but I think a lot of the time I push aside fear and confusion--let it melt into the backdrop of my mind. Then I'm happy. When I don't think, when I don't worry, everything seems like it'll be okay. Not just yet, but soon. I've been waiting so long...it can't all really be for nothing, can it? I've been right some of the time...I've gotta be right again soon....gotta...
Imagination doesn't help though. Imagining situations where my dreams do come true...cause then when I get back to reality, I keep part of my imagination with me, and it seems like it'll really happen...but I know I'm just fooling myself. I don't wanna get my hopes anymore. But God, how I wish I wouldn't have to or need to get my hopes up for no reason....
ahhhhhh. >_>
seriously, why am I cold? or why am I nervous? ugh. faith is way hard. And I know I should have faith--I mean I've noticed a bunch of times when I was so worried about something and it worked out okay. It always works out okay. But I still can't seem to keep my faith for some reason....and I don't really know how to keep it. Cause everytime I try, it slips away some how...Try harder some would say. But what if you're already trying as hard as you possibly can? Try, try, try. I'm trying. I'm trying. Even if they don't believe me. I don't wanna tell everyone everything...it's my nature to keep a lot of it to myself. But I'm still trying, for a million different things. Trust me.
Is trying not enough?
stephanie
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