what i've learned

2008 is almost over. I don't wanna be cheesy or anything, because talking about the past year certainly has potential for a LOT of cheesiness. "i've learned so much. i may have regrets, but i'm letting them go. i'm starting new, with the new year!" I just get kinda sick of people saying things like that. Because every year people make resolutions and promises to themselves and the people around them, and end up breaking them maybe...a month into the new year. Usually sooner rather than later. Actually, maybe that's not entirely correct...maybe that's just what people think. It really depends on the kind of resolution you make. Drastic isn't what people should shoot for when it comes to New Year resolutions.

But anyways, despite whatever cheesiness ends up in this post, I suppose I really have learned a lot this year. I know I've changed...I've faced tremendous difficulty time and time again. At least, I think it's difficult. Compared to much more terrible things, my difficulties weren't that bad. And I survived, of course. Learned what I could. I've made steps toward changing some things--my habits and how I act around people in particular. I'm nowhere NEAR finished, but taking steps is the important thing. Trying, not giving up, no matter how difficult the journey seems.

Since this year is almost over and it really has impacted my life, I have some things to say. I won't use names, but if you recognize what I'm saying, it's probably pointed toward you. :)

First, thanks to those of you who follow this blog for actually reading this (dunno how many people actually read what I write, and probably a lot less find it...interesting or enjoyable, lol).
let's see....I wanna thank my twin for making my life enjoyable cause it's so fun hanging out with you, and you always remind me God loves me and stuff like that. You're way awesome and we really need to hang out more outside of school. Seriously. I'll try not to make you TOO hyper, I promise ;)
To another girlie, I feel like recently we haven't been as close cause I don't see you that much, but I'm really sorry and I really wanna talk to you more. Thanks for listening to me when I talk, though, and giving me advice :)
To my chemistry buddy, thanks for helping me in that class and giggling with me about random stuff, lol. And thanks for getting me into Taylor Swift!
To my "awesome" cousin, thanks for being funny and not debating with me too much this year.
To another person, thanks for putting up with all of my ranting and...yeah, just a lot of ranting. And thanks for helping me realize I actually need to talk more and find a way to be myself. I don't know how else I would have figured it out, haha.
To all of my friends, thank you for BEING my friend and putting up with everything about me. I promise I'll try to open up more and actually be myself during this next year, and after it.

So yeah...I think overall 2008 has been a good year. It had a gigantic impact on me, that's for sure. I am....excited, and nervous, for 2009. It's scary to think about what might happen in an entire year, if so much can happen in a single day or a single minute, even. But it's also exciting. Inspiring, even. There's so much opportunity and experience waiting for me out there. I just hope I won't mess up too badly.

"Measure your life in love" <3

stephanie

overcoming insignificance

oh, christmas.

oh, complicated year.

yay for rain and videos and guitar and girlies I love very much :)
cookies are good too. I can smell some right now and have to help decorate some in a moment...but I wanted to jot something down really fast before I go.

actually, I just wanna quote something:
"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

...

argh. I wish I had somewhere I could go to just scream at the top of my lungs. except that it's freezing outside and I'm sick so I'd probably just feel even worse...but I really do wanna scream. I love how I can cry now, but not when I had to for that project yesterday...mood swings aren't fun. But then part of me actually likes being angry, because I don't think I ever let myself really be angry before. I would always be like "oh, well i shouldn't be angry because it's my own fault..."

But screw it. I'm angry. And I don't fricking care if it's my own fault. It can't always be my own fault. I deserve to be f***ing mad sometimes.

And don't ask me why I am mad. It's so many different reasons. But mostly just....I don't feel like saying it actually. I'm just angry.

oh, and it's almost christmas...lovely.

turning the tide

I really really really wanna try not to worry and stress about stuff throughout break. But I ALSO want to actually accomplish my goals. Like making this movie trailer, without having to change the entire thing...I hate it when I think so hard about something and find a way to make it work, and then more and more things get in the way...but I want to defeat them. So. Bad.

So I'm going to fight. As hard as I possibly can. If I try that hard and it messes up again, at least I won't blame myself, right? I'll just know it wasn't supposed to happen.

So...I'm ready. Bring it on.

:)

Stephanie

try

I'm really cold right now for some reason. But it's like...the shivering kind of cold. And the kind of shivering that's partly from actually being cold, and partly from being afraid of something. Nervous. Unsure. Confused. Wanting to trust, but not being able to. Not truly and completely...

Why is it always so hard for me to say my thoughts immediately, right when I think them? I always have to think about it first and like...weigh the consequences of me saying them aloud. At least when I'm online. In person it's different. But when you're sitting at a computer, everything you type you're able to actually think about. So it's like...I can't type something without thinking about it first. But I think sometimes I need to just say it--whatever comes into my head, right when it arrives. Not let it sit there, not let MYSELF sit there, nervously considering what to do. I can't be afraid...

God, I despise fear. Half the time I think I'm strong and I know I'm strong, but I think a lot of the time I push aside fear and confusion--let it melt into the backdrop of my mind. Then I'm happy. When I don't think, when I don't worry, everything seems like it'll be okay. Not just yet, but soon. I've been waiting so long...it can't all really be for nothing, can it? I've been right some of the time...I've gotta be right again soon....gotta...

Imagination doesn't help though. Imagining situations where my dreams do come true...cause then when I get back to reality, I keep part of my imagination with me, and it seems like it'll really happen...but I know I'm just fooling myself. I don't wanna get my hopes anymore. But God, how I wish I wouldn't have to or need to get my hopes up for no reason....

ahhhhhh. >_>

seriously, why am I cold? or why am I nervous? ugh. faith is way hard. And I know I should have faith--I mean I've noticed a bunch of times when I was so worried about something and it worked out okay. It always works out okay. But I still can't seem to keep my faith for some reason....and I don't really know how to keep it. Cause everytime I try, it slips away some how...Try harder some would say. But what if you're already trying as hard as you possibly can? Try, try, try. I'm trying. I'm trying. Even if they don't believe me. I don't wanna tell everyone everything...it's my nature to keep a lot of it to myself. But I'm still trying, for a million different things. Trust me.

Is trying not enough?

stephanie

these magnet hearts

It's just finally occurred to me that...you can't change someone. You can't expect them to accomodate you. You can't expect them to suddenly change their mind and realize they do like you. The only thing you can possibly do is be yourself and...keep your eyes open. There comes a point when you realize that this person isn't the right one for you. Maybe someday far off in the future, they will be...somehow they'll mold ever so slightly, or just have their own realization. But usually not. Usually it's up to you to start looking for someone else. Or just wait. Somehow, someway, you'll run into the right person...that person who matches so perfectly with you. Together, you'll form a single entity almost....

Just to be back lying in your arms

Feeling home again and sure inside your warmth

I would re-live all of the waiting

For these magnet hearts, that can't be kept apart

So I'm certainly gonna keep my eyes open. Be myself. I'll keep praying for a miracle, but I won't get my heart set on it anymore. I'll be waiting...for him to have his realization, for someone else to cross my path. Cause that someone just might be the one :)

change

Right now the song "Change" by Taylor Swift is my favorite song. It fits my personality so much....don't give up, never stop fighting. Someday soon you'll come out the victor, and you'll sing hallelujah :)

But I guess sometimes I wonder how true that idea really is. I believe with all my heart that it's true, but just...what if someone spent so much of their time fighting for something that was a lost cause from the start? What if they never come out the victor? But then, I'd like to think that they would still be victorious, in a way. They would have learned or gained something from the experience. Sometimes you just have to look harder and find the reason for your loss. And it's always a good reason. It's about looking at things in a different way...

Haha, why do I always come on here and say such like...deep statements? I don't like being deep all the time and thinking to much. Sometimes I just wanna...go crazy and mess up and say random things that have absolutely nothing to do with life or worry or anything I'm dealing with. I like escaping for a while.

I'm happy right now though. I feel like I'm being so much more social at school and stuff. And I feel like myself. I haven't gotten depressed in a while or anything. I have been angry, but it actually felt good...for once I haven't been hiding it so much. I hate hiding my emotions. But I feel accomplished :) I've been spending more time with my mom too. It's nice. I like being myself. I like ripping off my mask.

And right now, since I am myself, I'm gonna listen to this song and believe it all. Cause that's what I would do.

heart,
stephanie


It's a sad picture
The final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
Ya know it's all the same
Another time and place
Repeating history, and you're getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah

We've been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair
We're getting stronger now
Found things they never found
They might be bigger
But we're faster and never scared

You can walk away, say we don't need this
But something in your eyes says we can beat this

Cause these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah
The time will come for us to finally win
Tonight we're standing on our knees
To fight for what we've worked for all these years
The battle was long, it's the fight of our lives
Will we stand up champions tonight?

It was the night things changed
Can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back, they fell down
It's a revolution
Throw your hands up cause we never gave in
We sing hallelujah
We sing hallelujah

artsy

I need to take up photography...but first I need my own camera. I'm so fascinated by photography for some reason...I'm just an artsy person I guess. Writing, music, photography. My loves :] I even like sketching sometimes...I found some still life sketches from a long time ago, and they were actually pretty good. But I suck at drawing people, that's for sure. In fact I suck in general unless I'm really concentrating I guess. But I should try again sometime...that'd be fun.

I realized today that sometimes it's up to us to find happiness and get through piles of schoolwork or lots of drama or whatever it is that's making us stop moving and want to just be sad/depressed/angry. We can't expect things to be solved on their own--we have to do something about it. And we have to not worry and not let the stress get to us. We have to make our happiness. We can't fall down.

One week and two days....hooray! Even though I'm slightly nervous.

love,

stephanie

"Out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone"
p.s. I want rain...

trapped, i gotta get out...

school is torture. pure and utter torture.

we go through high school so we can get into college, where the work load is even HARDER. and we go to college to get jobs to support ourselves and likely a family, in which we end up having children, who come into the world to face the same torture of the educational system. so why do we knowingly have children and keep this sytem going???

^random conclusion my friend and i reached earlier before a chemistry test. But I REALLY DISLIKE SCHOOL. I need break. We all need break....time, move faster please.... -__-

.stephanie.

what if?

I have this slight feeling in my chest. Like something's gonna happen soon. something big. or maybe something small. But something that has an impact on everything. random.

It's interesting to think though, how so many small, tiny things you don't necessarily think about very hard end up impacting everything that happens later on. There are so many "what if's" in life. This came up in APUSH the other day, when we were talking about the Civil War and the battle of Antietam in particular--how that battle had such a huge impact on the end of the war and the victor; and, therefore, everything that ever happened in the United States after it. No one thinks about the impact of something when it's actually happening. No one realizes until a lot later...so it makes me wonder how much the small decisions I make will impact my future. It's a little scary. We really do have control in our own lives. It's just not the kind of power we'd like to have, since we can't see the impact until much later. We just make the decision. Choose something. And then things follow....

What if I hadn't told him? What if I went to a different high school? What if my old friends still lived next door? What if....I dunno. What if I did anything differently. Where would I be right now?

And where will I end up? The future's wide open. That's both exciting and scary. There are so many possibilities...so many choices I have yet to make. I guess I am excited to see what's in store. :)

heart,

stephanie

Blindly

I've been walking down this road too long, too far

And I'm thinking it's time that I turn back

I'm losing myself in my own confusing rhythms

In this path from heart to brain I lack

Wish the things I felt were clearer

Like the moonlight over me tonight

And all I want is to have you nearer, nearer

And a love so high that we'd take flight

So long my ways, I won't miss you

I'll be all right this time

Follow the lines and dreams can come true

Just feel my way and shut out the light

Don't understand how I can know

Just how and why I have to feel

But when it comes to feeling that feeling

My head stops it from being real

Wish that I could see right through you

See just what you see in me

I get so scared someday I'll lose, I'll lose you

When you look inside and I'm empty

So long my ways, I won't miss you

I'll be all right this time

Follow the lines and dreams can come true

Just feel my way and shut out the light

But I won't forget that first time I said those words

Though in my head I know it meant something more than this

Find my feelings, save them from the part of me

That confuses everything

When I knew all along

That my heart was never wrong

So long my ways, I won't miss you

I'll be all right this time

Follow the lines and dreams can come true

Just feel my way and shut out the light

Love this song. It's so true of myself at the moment.

.stephanie.

finding yourself

I keep listening to this song over and over. "What Sarah Said," by Death Cab for Cutie. I don't know why i love it so much....I guess just the way the piano and drums and vocals blend together and the lyrics themselves touch me somehow...music is cool like that. It makes you sad, happy, and so many things in between...content, hopeful, angry. Music = emotion.

Maybe music could help create a person, too...I've been frustrated lately, because I feel like I act differently everywhere I go. Part of me always stays the same, but sometimes it's as if I'm hiding part of me...sometimes it feels like I'm trying too hard, too. How do you know which part of you is the real you? The complete you? Maybe it's when you're at home in your bedroom alone, just lying on your bed or on the ground, thinking whatever comes to mind. Maybe it's when you're with your best friend and you're having an awesome time hanging out. Maybe it's when you're with your family...but I'm less inclined to believe the latter, namely because I sometimes feel secluded from my family. It's my own fault because I've built up a kind of barrier around myself, but however it's happened, I don't feel like myself around them, really...Or maybe that is me. The person with the mask, keeping everything inside and showing nothing, saying nothing above the necessity.

I just don't now how to tell which one's me. Am I a combination of all of those things--quiet, observant, thoughtful, but also imaginative, adventurous, determined, optimistic, and outgoing, when it counts. That does sound like me. Utterly complex, so that I can't even understand myself at times. So then, how do I show the entire me to other people? I guess being comfortable is the biggest thing...if you don't trust the person you're with or don't know them as well as you should, then it's harder. That's likely it....

So now I've gotta do that somehow. It won't happen overnight, but I need to find my comfort. And then just be myself...show them everything. I can't be afraid of embarrassing myself or messing up...I'll just be myself. And if the others can't handle me, they don't deserve to know me, right? They aren't worth it.

Even though my feet are trembling

And every word I say comes stumbling

I will bare it all

Watch me unfold...

The answer to all of my worries is always so...simply stated, when it comes down to it. Yet it's always so hard to follow through and keep it up. It's just part of being human though. So all we can do is take what we get and do the best we can with it. That's all we can ask for--something to hold onto, something to lead us somewhere up ahead. We can't really question it.

.stephanie.

I hope

I'm following God's plan so far....help me to follow your plan God. :)

Help me to not worry.
Help me to not be afraid.
Help me to be wise.
Help me to know it's all gonna work out okay.

And yay! I can find peace and courage.

And I might not have failed after all....that would sure be nice.

.stephanie.

p.s. Namárië November :) (and the rhyming above was totally unintentional)

Paint me in your sunshine

Paint me in your sunshine
Wake my sleepy eyes
Round me in your comfort
Stay with me for all of time

Reach your hand, I'll follow
Darken clouds for your rays of hope

Paint me in your sunshine
Walk with me stay by my side
Fill my head with stories
For love and war and glory

Reach your hand, I'll follow
Light the path that will lead me home

One day the world will grow colder
Everything we've come to cherish crumbles
And only then will we turn back
And remember your glow

Paint me in your sunshine
Leave the part of you behind
Tell me where I'll find you
Send me off to another day
Til we meet tomorrow

Reach your hand, I'll follow
Hold me close
Til the day that I grow old

I love how music makes me happy. :) And this song is so much fun to play on guitar.

.stephanie.

Just gotta say

Why do I LET myself hide stuff from myself? Or tell myself I'm fine, when I'm really not? -__- I just hate suddenly feeling really overwhelmed and realizing I DO care, even if I was telling myself I don't...

I need to start being completely honest with myself. Like seriously. Even though I had a good reason this time for trying to ignore it....actually maybe if there is a good enough reason, then it's okay for a bit...um yeah. I don't know. I need to think some more. And find out whether my worry was even justified or not...

.stephanie.

Regret

It's really annoying when you just kinda say stuff without thinking. Or when you don't say what you wan't to say...

In the first situation, you end up regretting it and wishing you could go back and say something different. Change the past. I wish time travelling were possible. Regret is such an annoying reality...and of course there's no point regretting anything because you CAN'T do anything to change it. But it's so hard to accept mistakes when you make them...it's human nature to want the power to control things, so when we get stuck unable to do anything we of course get angry. And then we're just stuck, unable to move. "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss." That's from Rent, a movie/musical I happen to love. And the saying is so true. You have to learn to let go of your mistakes--learn from them, yes, but then let them go. Accept them and move on. Just don't forget what you learned.

And then when you keep things inside, cause you're afraid or something, that's also bad...I have that problem a lot, keeping stuff inside of me instead of letting it out. But I'm learning. I've gotten better. Writing helps a lot, and also just saying whatever comes to mind. Although then regret might come into play if I make a mistake...it's such a fine line. Choosing what to say. How do you even know if you're saying the right thing? You don't know how the other person will respond...so it's all about faith. Trusting God and trusting yourself, knowing He won't let you make a mistake so big you can't fix it.

You just can't be afraid.

<3 stephanie

November 28th

How is it already November 28th? I'm amazed at how quickly time goes by...it seems like just yesterday I was sitting at my friend's house on New Year's Eve, thinking to myself how in the year ahead so much could change. And it has.... But that's how life is supposed to be, right? Things change all the time, and it's our job to do the best we can when things change...find our footing again, get back on track.

"Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now."

I wonder if someday I'll think that to myself...I wonder if I'll wish I could come back to this exact moment and tell myself what I should do. Why does there have to be so much doubt and worry all the time...why can't things just be clear and obvious? Instead I have to always question myself and wonder if I'm making the right choices.

I guess I just have to believe I've done something right, and hope things will work out the way they're supposed to. But they will. I just have to believe.

<3 stephanie