Cause I Just Can't Look; It's Killing Me

It's frustrating when a boy you like things he's so in love with another girl. And it's ironic because you're both in the same boat, heading in the same direction...just toward different shores. When one is thrown back in the current, the other gets pushed forward. And when one starts moving faster, the other slows. It would be lovely if he'd just crash into something that would make him do a U-turn and start going in my direction. Not literally of course.

Of course I can just assume that if he really never has this realization, there's someone else out there who I won't have to fight for until I'm out of breath and have only sunk deeper in the water. But it's just so freaking annoying. Especially because he thinks he's so right. Of course I can't be right, of course he's not supposed to be with me, but he's definitely right. She is his one and only true love. And he'll find a way to win her heart, no problem.

Maybe if I just saw him more often, if things didn't always get in the way....maybe then I'd be able to show him.

gar.

I've cried too many times for him. Maybe wasted those tears and all those wishes....all these moments where I struggle to find the right words. I shouldn't have to feel this way. I shouldn't have to be afraid of speaking because half of my thoughts might bore him or just make him angry with me. Because I know he doesn't want me to pester him or try to get him to like me...he tells me he doesn't mind hearing my thoughts and frustrations, but it must make him angry sometimes. Is that a mistake, right there?

The mistake is not giving up on him. Not being able to, even....I think it could be so perfect, if only I showed him I'm the one who understands him, the one who can make him happier than she can ever make him, the one he doesn't have to do anything to win. "No gifts or tokens of affection...just your heart, in exchange for mine."

But then, I have fought. I have gone to the ends of the earth, and would still go there for him. I would make the effort. So is it wrong of me? Love shouldn't come at such a high cost. But sometimes it does--sometimes people tell you that you have to fight and go the distance to win someone's heart. Sometimes you abandon rational thought to convince the person you're meant to be together.

You always have to compromise, give something up to gain something. But how much? How many years of exhausted toil? Although, I know most of those years were worthless. I really didn't try until recently. I was too scared.

And now I'm not scared, really. I'm not afraid of losing, because I know things now. I know that there are 6 billion people in the universe and one person specifically marked out for myself. And I might not find him until I give this boy up and let him go where he will.

Wow. This is such a fine line...seeing the difference between the right choice and the wrong choice.

heart,
stephanie

Dusk

Next time, I'm going to win.

.......................

Dusk

There is a calm at dusk;
Amidst checkered silence
Tangled worry sits
On this dock,
Where boat meets sand —
Below
Serpents lurk in mud and murk
Stirring time with a lazy paw
Ignoring skies fading
in and out of realities

A girl sits at dusk
In this precious solace
Consuming life in one shaky palm
Beneath silk tapestry
And fiery dying sun
Waiting for storm or hail
To come
And take her away —
Until there’s nowhere left to go
But below
Where she can’t see

Ford Model T

The Ford Model T was a shiny dark green with gold lining, just purchased by its owner – a man who couldn’t seem to stop laughing at his own remarks and Jeremy’s silence. He wore a black bowler cap. His car’s charcoal top was folded back; the day was sunny and warm, yet the hot wind blew fiercely, letting dust into the front seat. The man’s hat kept rising off his head in this wind, but he was either very stubborn or didn’t realize it would be better to just take it off, so he kept grabbing it frantically every half a minute to keep it from blowing out into the surrounding desert.

“New York, well hallelujah – it’s got nothing on Chauncey, I tell ya. Just stay right there and I promise you boy, no regrets!” The man laughed loudly over the sound of the engine. He seemed too wild to be sober, and his antics kept moving the car in awkward directions.

“Just as far as Salona, I’ll catch a train there,” said Jeremy, smiling. He welcomed any chance of amusement, and was grateful this man seemed friendly.

“Aye, but New York…hell, it’s given me no reason to hate it or something wild like that, but there’s only so much a man can do there to keep him entertained, no? Right? You know what I mean?” He guffawed and winked heartily at Jeremy. Almost immediately another gust of wind forced him to grab his falling hat again and push it back onto his head. He laughed nervously and fumbled with one hand in his pocket for his precious silver case of cigarettes. The vehicle stuttered, threatening to swerve off the highway while the man’s attention focused on his prize. “You smoke, son?”

“Sure.”

He pulled one out and stuck it in his mouth and tossed the case to Jeremy, while fumbling again for the lighter in his other pocket. “So why you going there anyways? Long way to go without no reason,” he said, his voice slightly muffled by the presence of the cigarette in his mouth. But he seemed calmer suddenly as he flipped opened the lighter, and the car slowed to a more normal speed as a result. The dirt road curved to the right. Jeremy noticed that the number of hills had lessened considerably. He figured they couldn’t be far from a town or city.

“Money.” The smooth lining of the cigarette slid between Jeremy’s fingertips. He caught the lighter the man had just thrown him, opened it, and brought the fire quickly to the tip, afraid the wind would blow it out. He glanced at the open road ahead. There was a sign not too far along.

“Figures. Money’s everything nowadays. Ain’t no escape.”

Jeremy nodded. “I’ve barely got enough in my pocket to get me somewhere.” He stuck the cigarette between his teeth and slowly breathed in the smoke, tossing the container and lighter back to the man. But his mind was wandering suddenly and he miscalculated; he took the cigarette hurriedly out of his mouth, coughing.

“You okay, son?”

Coughing and swallowing, wincing at the excessive amount of smoke still in his mouth, Jeremy nodded. “Mhm. Just haven’t had a smoke in a while.”

“Shame,” said the man with a laugh, chewing on his own cigar.

Hallelujah

It's the weekend. :)

But of course, I still have a million things to do. It feels like there will never be a time when I have truly, literally nothing and can just relax and do the things I want to do, rather than what I have to do. I want that to happen very badly. Homework, worry, everything can just disappear in a puff of smoke. Please.

sincerely,
stephanie

And Suddenly it's Gone

Time really doesn't like catering to my needs/wants. Yes, "wants" is the better word.

Homework, business, blah, blah...always some excuse. But some excuse that makes me waste what little time I have. And then it's gone.

stephanie

Mansion Country

Spinning wheels – silver and dusty from the dirt road – rolled over a hard rock that made the car jolt abruptly, before sinking back into its natural course; yet it retained a bumpy rhythm because the large crack in the wheel had finally snapped and a chunk fell out. The driver, no older than nineteen, looked embarrassed where he sat, carefully turning the wheel to bring the car onto a side road toward its destination. He had a wool cap on his head and a dry piece of straw in his mouth. He moved it around with his tongue as he glanced quickly into the mirror above him, glimpsing curled light brown hair beneath a purple silk, feather hat; then a soft, pretty hand removing a lace glove from another. He saw this through the thin glass that separated the back from the front seat of the car, which was covered at the front by a glass window, but had no real doors and therefore nothing to keep the muggy air and dust from blowing into his already dirty brown hair. But Sandy was used to this.

His eyes fell back on the dusty road in front of him. He chewed thoughtfully on the straw and watched a tabby cat walk alongside the high fence to his right. This was mansion country and the pride of Utica. The houses on either side of the road were large with wide porches and sparkling clean windows and fresh coats of white paint, even a balcony here and there, on the second story. Lacy curtains with elegant designs were drawn shut in the open windows, hiding whatever high-class furniture lay behind them, which Sandy caught sight of occasionally, if the stark wind blew a bit of lace out of its proper position.

These people were different. Expectant, won’t-take-no-for-an-answer kind of people. Rude and arrogant, even. But they paid well for the odd jobs Sandy picked up whenever he had a chance. Some owned factories or stores in the city.

They possessed the kind of wealth Sandy’s people could only dream of.

The dirt road curved smoothly to the left and Sandy’s eyebrows raised instinctively at the view. “Here we are,” he muttered, lessening his foot’s pressure on the pedal as he turned the wheel again and the car rolled through the open, tall black gate onto the pebble driveway. He let it roll for a moment and then stepped on the break when the car was close enough to the house. It made a rickety sound, shuttered, and stopped.

There was a sharp intake of breath behind him, and the movement of two people shifting in their seats.

“I didn’t imagine it like this —”

“It’s far better than the letter described it, thank goodness.” Then a relieved laugh.

Sandy’s foot hit the pebble pavement as he stepped out of the car through the small open doorway. He straightened and sighed, squinting at the house through the intensely bright day.

It always displeased him to see places like this, far more extravagant than anyone possibly needed.

But there was the money.

So he made no apparent hesitation but slid his fingers around the bronze handle for the back seat and pulled it down and toward him. The hinges made a low squeal as the door opened.

No cool breeze flowed inside to greet the passengers, but the stifling heat Sandy had experienced the entire drive; he now wiped beads of sweat off his nose, silently cursing the weather.

Well, at least the women weren’t half-bad either.

Roadmap

distressed by my confusion & needing more time. and lord of the rings. I completely forgot that my sister owns the last 2 movies, so she took them with her...so now I have to buy them... -__-

can someone just please give me a roadmap?? j'ai peur je vais avoir tort...

better than nothing

I'm sitting on my bed, and it's dark outside. There's no moon tonight so there's not much light coming in through my window. But I can see in between the cracks in the drapes, and maybe it's just the light from my bedroom, but I can see out there. A swing set with a slide and monkey bars; grass and weeds and a patio with dusty chairs and a table, and the little house I used to play in when I was much younger--I can't even fit inside it anymore; and a high wall. I can hear cars driving on the other side, because there's no music playing right now. It's just me, the light, the faint sound of the cars, and my mind. No one's home right now.

I treasure these moments, when I can do anything I like because there's no one here to hear me or see me or tell me I'm being weird or stupid or just that I should be doing homework instead of thinking and sitting here, writing this blog. It gives me peace of my mind, even though my mind isn't really quiet or at "peace." I can't count how many times I've realized I shouldn't worry about anything because it's all going to work out the way it's supposed to, but each and every time I do I can't help slipping into the same pattern.

Because when you get used to something, like talking to a person, it becomes such a habit you feel strange and...unwanted if you go even a day without doing that same thing. You question everything when that happens, which makes thinking even worse because you're already questioning everything, wondering what the next step is. Give up? Oh no, that is impossible. Because it's what you're used to. It doesn't even matter what you talk about--you just want to know that person's there, talking back to you. Breaking the silence, even. Just knowing they're there and maybe thinking about you too is enough. It's perfect. Not quite the kind of perfect you really, truly want, but it's perfect because it's something. And something, anything, is better than nothing at all. But you do want more, and you can't deny it.

sincerely,
stephanie.

Dardanelle

I've been doing a lot of wondering lately. About chances and fairness, and what you do when you know what you want but you're at a loss for how to get it, because it feels like everything you try leads you nowhere. Sometimes it's even worse--you take a risk and try to step forward, maybe think you're in the spotlight for a moment, but then get the whole reality check and realize, if anything, you've moved back.

_________________

Shoes, grey and torn, like ragged cloth left sitting out too long on the porch and it turns stale and crisp; these shoes now tread with what was left of their dying fervor on a pale grown patch of weeds.

First one, then the other.

The shoelaces had fallen loosely out of their bowties several miles down the road. Two tiny round baby blue buttons grasped onto the left side of the shoe by what was left of their thread. Jeremy’s mother had sewn two red ones to the other side back in Dardanelle, but by now they were long gone, somewhere in the sand behind him.

He turned his head as he kept walking along the highway, off the patch of faded grass onto the never-ending sandy lane at the edge of the road. This was a desert, barren and silent, with nothing but sand and cacti and low mountains every which way, and the empty road riding smoothly and swiftly off into the distance in a stubbornly straight line. Jeremy kept straining his ears for the slightest bit of low rumbling that might suggest the arrival of a rickety old car owned by some farmer who wouldn’t hesitate to pick up a stranger. But he hadn’t seen any sign of life — besides a distressed rattlesnake under a bush — since he started down this highway, not two hours ago.

He twisted his mouth in that “special way” Sally loved. She’d see him do it and her face would light up in a grin, and she’d laugh and tease him and make him do it again, only then it didn’t work the same way. He didn’t know what was so special about it. It was just a habit. But Sally liked it. That made him smile.

new is good

I realized the other day I made the mistake of leaving my 2008 calender up, because I kept looking at it to know the date and then thinking I was way off...when it turned out I was looking at the month of December, haha. So I finally took it down. That's a relief. I don't need more things to confuse me. XD

Keeping secrets from people you're close to and are around every day is definitely not a good idea, I've realized. Finally telling them takes such a weight off, cause you don't have to hide it anymore. :)

Also, I think the reason why the seating chart in chemistry and other unfortunate dilemmas about who I'm close enough to interact with really did happen for a reason. Today I actually talked to some new people, and it made me feel really good :) Branching out is something I need to work on this semester. New can be a good thing, even if it seems scary at first.

I will now go back to my log...oh, the dreaded log. At least the books I read were really good this time, and it's actually kinda cool talking about them. It's just tedious...but I can do it!! So I will. see ya later :)

stephanie

when my dreams are so far...

I overlook my fault. I make excuses. And when I could be breaking the pattern, I instead sit where I am and find even more excuses...and just question. And wonder. Even worry.

I'm just a stupid girl.

n/a

wow, I'm so sick of the same thing happening over and over again. I don't know how to stop the inevitable ending. Every single time... ><

you take a deep breath

I know things aren't fair--that's just a part of life. But that knowledge doesn't make anything easier. Knowing everyone else has problems too doesn't mean much either...It just makes you forget about your own problems for a litte while, if you can even do that. Forget, learn, move on. But it's impossible to forget. You'll always remember, for the rest of your life. Even the tiniest thing that nagged you years ago. You think you'll forget that, but you don't. Time doesn't possess the ability to erase memories. Pieces of your past and your regrets stay with you.

Being intelligent and knowing things doesn't make you wise--just knowledgeable. Wisdom is when you grasp something and you almost don't want to acknowledge it or tell anyone, because you don't think anyone can understand. But you know inside that it's true. But you don't want to be special like that. You just want to be normal and predictable and easy to get along with...not silent and reserved, because too much of you is too complex and deep for anyone to understand. You want to find someone who won't blame you, won't tell you you're crazy. Someone who will just listen and try to understand, even if he doesn't really. Someone who will trust you and let you have your moment of silence when you're struggling for words--something to say that will finally get them to realize exactly what you mean when you speak. Because then you won't feel alone anymore. Someone will be able to understand and love you unconditionally.

Courage is when you're so, so scared and afraid that you want to just turn around and run far away until nothing can touch you, so you won't be afraid anymore. But you realize you cannot do that. You have to ignore your fear or embrace it and do whatever it takes to get past it and do what you know you have to do.

yes. my thought process is very strange sometimes.

stephanie

Just Magic; Original Song

It was the first day of Kindergarten
I don't recall it but my mother says
I wouldn't stop cryin,' no matter what she said
I was too young to know
She’d be back for me at the end of the day

I spent my first years playing outside
Through the sun, rain, cool, hot, wet, and dry
I'd walk home from school each day
And Ashley would be waiting for me at my front door
Never had to think, I just knew what to say
There was no reason not to trust her,
Together we’d escape the monster ‘til the end
Who needs boys when you’ve got a princess for a best friend?

And sometimes I miss her face
And the way it was
We didn't know it any other way
Everything was perfect
Life was just magic
But nothing we said could stop the change
It is inevitable

We'd climb my tree and play with hula hoops
Or sit outside laughing at the things we'd do
We took turns playing dress-up
Pretending we were on the hunt for fairytale love
Then one day we tired of our ways
Scratched out the rules and played a different game
Started checking out all the cute boys
Realized talking might not chase them away
New things start to make sense, but
Later you find out you miss what you had

And sometimes I miss her face
And the way it was
We didn't know it any other way
Everything was perfect
Life was just magic
But nothing we said could stop the change
It is inevitable

And then it was happening
All of a sudden, in a flash
We were half-way through 8th grade
And we had seen life could break
And mend itself later, we'd end up okay
But time still made us scared
Then she was gone, moved far away
We couldn't stop crying that day
It’s hard to find a reason
When the old has to move along and drift away

And sometimes I miss her face
And the way it was
We didn't know it any other way
Everything was perfect
Life was just magic
But nothing we said could stop the change
It is inevitable

la problem

but of course, identifying the problem is always the first step....finding a solution for it is where the difficulty begins...or continues, rather, haha...oh boy

and i like this pic :) took it outside today in my lovely tree...

heart,

stef uh nee

new semester

new semester today. I'm pretty happy with ma schedule, except i miss seeing a couple people...and the awesomeness of 6th period apush. But I've got English first period (woot) and someone I love in nearly every class, so overall it's all good :) I need to talk more though...today I felt very quiet & generally content for some reason, but I don't think I talked much at all. Guess it's in my nature to like listening better than speaking....rawr.

stephanie =)

technology & adventures

The past 16 years of my life have molded me, so that, outwardly, I now accept the notion that technology is amazing and inspiring and I could not live without it. But really, truly, I despise its side effects. Computers, televisions, telephones...they make people think there's NO other way life could go on, and people are so preoccupied with using them that actual contact with human beings doesn't happen as much. But without technology and things like cars, even, I think some things would be much better, and even easier. People wouldn't have to make excuses and find legitimate reasons to hang out with other people. If you wanted to see someone & talk to them, you'd actually have to go and see them. And that's a good thing. Seeing people in person is always better. Of course there are lots of negative side effects to this idea too...I don't deny that technology does sometimes make it easier to keep in contact with people, and it's certainly entertaining. Maybe just...less is better. Seeing people more often is better.

On kind of a random note...I don't know why, but more and more I really want to actually go places and like...explore things and have my own adventures. I like adventures and thrills. I like being imaginative. But I like the real thing even better. That's why I love fantasy books and movies, like Lord of the Rings and stuff like that. Right now, without a car & more money, I don't have many opportunities to have adventures for myself. So I at least want to watch people have adventures, even if it's not real. But I must find more ways to put this dream of mine into reality. Someday, I'm going to travel the world.

stephanie

crossroads

I really annoy myself sometimes. Mainly when I'm foolish or spend forever preparing to do something because I'm too afraid to do it, or just when I let myself get my hopes up only to watch them come crashing down. Guess that's just a side effect of having a wild imagination. I hate regret too. I have this...thing, it's not really a problem though, where once I get an idea in my head I pretty much can't live with myself unless I follow through. But sometimes fear gets in the way. That's when my annoyance really kicks in, cause of course I can't help being insanely afraid sometimes, but I should still be able to overcome it, right? Or at least embrace it and accept it, but just keep going and do what I have to do anyways.

And how do I even know what to do? In life you have to just...make spontaneous decisions, with absolutely no clue where they might take you. And that's the truly scary part. Everything matters, when it comes down to it. You don't have time or a bunch of chances to try out several options and see where each one leads you. You have to just choose one. And follow it. No matter what happens.

steph

p.s. i feel like i wrote something about this before...maybe in my old blog. lol whatever :)

scrubs

I just finished watching The Office and Scrubs (finally!) and I just liked this quote from Kelso--

"It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Just do whatever the hell makes you happy."

:)

stephanie

the torture of asking

Winter ball is coming up. Very soon. And it annoys me that the subtle idea of asking someone is stuck to the back of my mind. Dances are so...degrading lol. The people who have someone to go with have an awesome time, but the rest of us are left on the side of the gym, looking determinedly elsewhere during the slow songs, if that even works. And of course there's the torture of actually asking someone and risking denial.

But then, I suppose taking that risk is what ends up making people happy sometimes. You go for it and take a chance, and might or might not come out on top. Is it worth it?

like the wind

I was reading through these random journals of mine and it made me laugh, lol. I always used to get notebooks or diaries or whatever and write a little and tell myself I would devote time every day to continue. Of course, that pattern always stopped very soon after...I'm now wondering why. I think a lot--too much perhaps. But it's as if these thoughts aren't really tangible and the kind I can transfer to the paper. They're too complex and I don't even have a true hold of them in my own mind. Or just too repetitive and always brushing the same topic. These thoughts are like wisps of cloud or a piece of a dandelion picked up and carried away by the wind. I can glimpse them and see them in front of me, but I can't latch onto them.

This isn't always true. I suppose there are also many times when I know what I'm thinking, but I have no desire to share my mind with anyone else. Or just not the person I'm with at the time. It's always different. Speaking a lot and always saying what you think can be a very good thing, because you aren't bottling anything up inside. But you're also risking a lot. You could end up sounding like a fool or hearing someone tell you you are simply and literally crazy. You can never tell, and so it comes down to trusting a person enough--knowing they love you and will always love you no matter what you do or say. No matter how far you stray from the way you were intending to go. No matter how insane your thoughts might be. You can't care what they might think of you, because if they truly give up on you after hearing what to say, they're just not a real friend, and that's that.

This is purely a thought process I just found myself involved in right now, by the way. I do still have trouble trusting sometimes, but I know I'm much farther than I was a long time ago--even just a year ago. It's a reality I am most definitely thankful for :)

stephanie

I think I'm way too outright sometimes... Hope this doesn't get me into trouble. :/ Guess it can't do that much damage...

steph

memories

I miss elementary school, and middle school even (though there are some things about middle school I'd like to forget).

I miss making up random games in Kindergarten. I miss playing at recess and lunch and creating this amazing town in the back of my school that actually lasted for a while. I miss drinking hot chocolate and book clubs with Mrs. Votruba. I miss the Gold Rush performance we did, and that one random garden performance that didn't seem to serve much of a purpose...I miss the talent show. I miss colonial day and reading Island of the Blue Dolphins, and being excited with all the other girls in my 5th grade class when we found out Mrs. Ciriza was pregnant. I miss having to speak in spanish to ask to use the restroom and stuff like that lol. I miss safety patrol camp with my best friend Ashley, and soo many other fun times I had with her and her sister.

I miss that insanely cheesy/weird play I wrote in 6th grade and performing it with a British accent, haha. I miss things like zapping and MASH that are really pointless and maybe stupid, but still fun. As much as I hated her, I missing having to put up with Mrs. Bailey sometimes and hearing her go on about how "appalled" she was at everything...it seems really amusing now, even though she's probably still scary. I miss so many awesome things in Mr. Dyer's class in 7th grade, like that Risk game we played...Josh ran out of the class shouting "A prisoner escapes!" That was such a fun class... :) I miss show choir sometimes too--especially the people I met there and hung out with that year. 8th grade show choir was also fun, but not nearly as much...oh Mrs. Woods. Anyways. I definitely don't miss PE and Mr. Sciotto's class. But I miss the way some things were back then, and even moreso elementary school...I was young and innocent. I still had my best friends living next door. Reminiscing is always nice, but it does make me a little sad...at least I'll be able to always keep these memories with me. That's far better than forgetting everything that's ever happened.

the love you find in dreams

Lately, in I guess the past week or so, I keep on finding myself thinking about love, listening to music about love, or watching movies about love. I'm sure it comes from an inherent desire to experience love for myself...it's the kind of thing you can't even truly fathom until your inches deep in it. That's what I've come to believe anyways, after contemplating love for hours on end. I just watched "A Walk to Remember" a little while ago, I think for the first time. It's such a sad but lovely movie...I think I'd die if I fell in love like that and then found out he didn't have much longer to leave. But I have no doubt I wouldn't leave or give up, even once I knew that. I just can't even imagine how something like that feels like...I wrote a song recently that I'm trying to make somehow encompass the feeling of loving someone and dealing with life after they're gone. But it all just comes from my imagination, because thus far I haven't had that kind of experience. When I was very little a close friend died of Leukemia, but I barely remember her or what that felt like...I have glimpses in my head of what she looked like, and the church where I went for her funeral. But I was so little, I don't think it truly affected me that much. Then in 6th grade--on the first day of 6th grade, in fact--my grandfather died. That day my dad picked us up instead of my mom, which really surprised us of course. Once he had my other two sisters and me in the car, he told us what had happened. And I still feel bad to this day because I didn't believe him at first, and almost laughed, even. My dad jokes a lot...but I should have known he wouldn't joke about something like that. I remember crying a couple times, but mostly watching my mom cry and later seeing my grandpa's body and watching his coffin go down into the ground. I wrote him a poem the day of his funeral that I planned on reading aloud, but instead the paper ended up inside his coffin which a bunch of other things people put inside to go down with him. I wish I had a copy of that poem though...I can't remember it at all. But I remember being proud of it.

I loved my grandpa, but I never knew him that well. His death didn't affect me as much as it did my mom, grandma, and aunts and uncles. And being in love with someone and watching them die is a completely different experience anyways. It's a different kind of love, where you and the other person are almost one entity...being separated by something like death doesn't stop that love from surviving, but it's just...so insanely hard to deal with the death of someone you love so much. I pray I won't experience that first-hand for many, many years. And I hope that if I do, it will be when I'm very old. I'll watch my husband go, knowing that he is going to a better place but of course still feeling broken. I hope we won't be separated for long.

But long before that, perhaps (and hopefully) sometime in the near future, I'll finally find out what it's like to truly be in love with someone, and know he loves me back just as much. I look forward to that day. Until then, I'll keep watching movies and listening to love songs and dreaming, still focusing on the happiness and new experiences at hand, but waiting patiently for the day when my dreams finally come true.

stephanie

Boats and Birds - Gregory and the Hawk

If you be my star, I'll be your sky

You can hide underneath me and come out at night

When I turn jet black and you show of your light

I live to let you shine

I live to let you shine

But you can skyrocket away from me

And never come back if you find another galaxy

Far from here, with more room to fly

Just leave me your stardust to remember you by

If you be my boat, I'll be your sea

A depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity

Ebbing, flowing, pushed by a breeze

I live to make you free

I live to make you free

But you can set sail to the west if you want to

Past the horizon til I can't even find you

Far from here, where the beaches are wide

Just leave me your wake to remember you by

stars and swimming

I like going outside and looking at the night sky very much :) It's so...vast and just gorgeous. One of my dreams is to, someday, go somewhere out in the wildnerness--a hill or mountain or something--where I can lie down in the grass and stare up at everything above me, without there being any noise or other light to take my attention away. I have several dreams that I know by heart, haha. And I actually finally accomplished one, which makes me so happy :) I'm not sure when I'll be able to accomplish the rest...or if I will. But I don't intend to give up on them yet.

Today chemistry made me SO mad. I don't think I've ever actually done well on a test we've had, or truly understood what I learned. I just can't get chemistry. At all. But today I also decided that I don't care anymore. Chemistry will play no part in my future, so who really cares if I understand everything? Getting a B on my report card won't kill me. And it's not like I'm gonna stop trying, but I'm just not gonna stress about it anymore. School might have some importance in life, but other stuff is more important. Like being happy and actually having a life outside of school or work or whatever it is that's consuming your time. So that's that. If chemistry ruins my happiness, I just won't think about it :)

I also realized I managed to break a habit. I'm determined not to get back into it, whatever happens. I feel like right now the best thing I can do is just keep moving forward, being myself, and trying my hardest to focus on God and whatever else will keep me happy and, well, myself. Like the whole "just keep swimming" philosophy. So yeah, that's what I'll keep doing.

life is hard

Sadness and...bad things really suck. Cause I can never do anything about it, and it makes me so angry...I try to be optimistic and happy and just find the good in life, but it seems like every time I manage to be okay, something suddenly happens that threatens my happiness. And it's so freaking hard to fight it. But I'm trying.

education blah

I wish I could be trusted enough by education people or whoever it is that cares so much about educating students to stop going to school and just learn on my own...I'd be so much productive. School and homework are basically about doing just enough to get a grade. I've gotten so good at BSing stuff. I hardly even think about actually taking the time to learn and remember things--cause that's why school began in the first place, to really educate people. Nowadays I don't think it's accomplishing its goal very much...most people hate it. I hate it. Learning is all good, but NOT at school and not by getting up at 6 every morning...

open book

My sister's getting married tomorrow. I'm very happy for her, but I am also, honestly, happy to see her move out....when we were young (love that song!) we were really close. Or, at least, I thought we were close. But now when I look back at those days, I think it was kind of a bad situation. My sister did (and I think continues to do, though not to me) this thing where she would act really nice and kind, like we were best friends. But really she was controlling me, warping me into this other mindset, so that when she would talk about things like harry potter and makeup and a bunch of other stuff, which she hated for some reason, I would feel like I had to agree with her. So I would, at least out loud. But I really always disagreed with her...now I wish I could go back in time and make myself tell her what I really thought. I think she is one of the reasons why I was always quiet and closed up, until pretty recently when I've started getting better--at least from what I can tell. It makes me sad to think I wasted SO much of my life hiding things and feeling...cut-off from the world, almost. I was bound to explode at one point, I suppose. And that's what I did for the past couple months...but I'm over it now. I'm ready to forget all of that and move on and just be myself. I'm afraid waiting so long lost me tons of chances. I hope it's not too late.

Swallowed in the Sea; Coldplay

You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me
And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
And I could write it down
or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea
You put me on a line
And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I
Decided to go to sea
You cut me down to size
And opened up my eyes
Made me realize
What I could not see
And I could write a book
The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took
It took it back from me
And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
And you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea
Ooh...
And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me
The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Oh what good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see
Are the streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
You belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea