It's frustrating when a boy you like things he's so in love with another girl. And it's ironic because you're both in the same boat, heading in the same direction...just toward different shores. When one is thrown back in the current, the other gets pushed forward. And when one starts moving faster, the other slows. It would be lovely if he'd just crash into something that would make him do a U-turn and start going in my direction. Not literally of course.
Of course I can just assume that if he really never has this realization, there's someone else out there who I won't have to fight for until I'm out of breath and have only sunk deeper in the water. But it's just so freaking annoying. Especially because he thinks he's so right. Of course I can't be right, of course he's not supposed to be with me, but he's definitely right. She is his one and only true love. And he'll find a way to win her heart, no problem.
Maybe if I just saw him more often, if things didn't always get in the way....maybe then I'd be able to show him.
gar.
I've cried too many times for him. Maybe wasted those tears and all those wishes....all these moments where I struggle to find the right words. I shouldn't have to feel this way. I shouldn't have to be afraid of speaking because half of my thoughts might bore him or just make him angry with me. Because I know he doesn't want me to pester him or try to get him to like me...he tells me he doesn't mind hearing my thoughts and frustrations, but it must make him angry sometimes. Is that a mistake, right there?
The mistake is not giving up on him. Not being able to, even....I think it could be so perfect, if only I showed him I'm the one who understands him, the one who can make him happier than she can ever make him, the one he doesn't have to do anything to win. "No gifts or tokens of affection...just your heart, in exchange for mine."
But then, I have fought. I have gone to the ends of the earth, and would still go there for him. I would make the effort. So is it wrong of me? Love shouldn't come at such a high cost. But sometimes it does--sometimes people tell you that you have to fight and go the distance to win someone's heart. Sometimes you abandon rational thought to convince the person you're meant to be together.
You always have to compromise, give something up to gain something. But how much? How many years of exhausted toil? Although, I know most of those years were worthless. I really didn't try until recently. I was too scared.
And now I'm not scared, really. I'm not afraid of losing, because I know things now. I know that there are 6 billion people in the universe and one person specifically marked out for myself. And I might not find him until I give this boy up and let him go where he will.
Wow. This is such a fine line...seeing the difference between the right choice and the wrong choice.
heart,
stephanie
31 January 2009
Cause I Just Can't Look; It's Killing Me
Posted by Stephanie at 9:40 PM
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1 comments:
Babe, I know exactly how you feel. I was unrequited for a long time, and it hurts. You want what you want, and at the same time, you want him to be happy. So you just keep going on and on, in the same endless cycle.
I'm sorry to say, but I really don't think trying harder is going to work. It shouldn't be this much of a struggle. And it's just more of the same. For something to change, you need to break the cycle.
There is another option. You know Big Yellow Taxi? "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't knnow what you got 'til it's gone?" People want what they can't have. If you're suddenly not available to him, that could be enough to change his mind (it worked for me...). If you ease off a little, and stop trying to impress him with everything that you do, he might see what he's missing. And then, when he comes back to you, YOU'RE the one who gets to make the choice--take him, or move on?
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