Lately, in I guess the past week or so, I keep on finding myself thinking about love, listening to music about love, or watching movies about love. I'm sure it comes from an inherent desire to experience love for myself...it's the kind of thing you can't even truly fathom until your inches deep in it. That's what I've come to believe anyways, after contemplating love for hours on end. I just watched "A Walk to Remember" a little while ago, I think for the first time. It's such a sad but lovely movie...I think I'd die if I fell in love like that and then found out he didn't have much longer to leave. But I have no doubt I wouldn't leave or give up, even once I knew that. I just can't even imagine how something like that feels like...I wrote a song recently that I'm trying to make somehow encompass the feeling of loving someone and dealing with life after they're gone. But it all just comes from my imagination, because thus far I haven't had that kind of experience. When I was very little a close friend died of Leukemia, but I barely remember her or what that felt like...I have glimpses in my head of what she looked like, and the church where I went for her funeral. But I was so little, I don't think it truly affected me that much. Then in 6th grade--on the first day of 6th grade, in fact--my grandfather died. That day my dad picked us up instead of my mom, which really surprised us of course. Once he had my other two sisters and me in the car, he told us what had happened. And I still feel bad to this day because I didn't believe him at first, and almost laughed, even. My dad jokes a lot...but I should have known he wouldn't joke about something like that. I remember crying a couple times, but mostly watching my mom cry and later seeing my grandpa's body and watching his coffin go down into the ground. I wrote him a poem the day of his funeral that I planned on reading aloud, but instead the paper ended up inside his coffin which a bunch of other things people put inside to go down with him. I wish I had a copy of that poem though...I can't remember it at all. But I remember being proud of it.
I loved my grandpa, but I never knew him that well. His death didn't affect me as much as it did my mom, grandma, and aunts and uncles. And being in love with someone and watching them die is a completely different experience anyways. It's a different kind of love, where you and the other person are almost one entity...being separated by something like death doesn't stop that love from surviving, but it's just...so insanely hard to deal with the death of someone you love so much. I pray I won't experience that first-hand for many, many years. And I hope that if I do, it will be when I'm very old. I'll watch my husband go, knowing that he is going to a better place but of course still feeling broken. I hope we won't be separated for long.
But long before that, perhaps (and hopefully) sometime in the near future, I'll finally find out what it's like to truly be in love with someone, and know he loves me back just as much. I look forward to that day. Until then, I'll keep watching movies and listening to love songs and dreaming, still focusing on the happiness and new experiences at hand, but waiting patiently for the day when my dreams finally come true.
stephanie
If you be my star, I'll be your sky
1 comments:
hello dear,
just a comment. you don't truly know what love is like until you're thousands and thousands of feet deep into it. this is true because, you'll never get out. that's love
:)
Cara
P.S. your song is INCREDIBLE. I love red jumpsuit
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